“Quebecers”

I like to think I’m up on current events, fellow sexual deviants. And sometimes, I read stories which make me laugh, cry, go to my room for “quality time” – you know how it is. Today, however, as I browsed through my Twitter feed, I was directed to a CBC article which I initially thought would boil my blood, an article about police at the G20 conference cracking down on “Quebecers.”

Why the quotations, you ask? Well, I got as far as the picture when I realised that, sure, maybe these women were Quebecers, but what I could tell from the picture was they were definitely lesbians. Take a look for yourself.

Now, the article does go on to tell the reader about Quebecers being targeted, but we all know what’s at work here, deviants – cougars in uniform are cleaning the streets of our eye candy, one Quebecois lesbian couple at a time. This must stop.

Look how longingly the girl on the right, we’ll call her Taylor looks over at her presumed girlfriend, who looks as if her name should be Amelie, who seems to be having quite the time with the lady cop in the middle, we’ll call her Fran.

Yes, there were riots in the streets over the G20/G8 summits, but I think this picture is worth a thousand words, and the article I read couldn’t have been more than 300 words, so I take it upon myself to fill in the last 700.

Exhibit A: the wrist band on Amelie’s arm. This wrist band could have been for anything, but I just pretended to call a psychic hot line and I now feel like I am able to tell you almost exactly what the wrist band was for: a marriage float at Toronto Pride. Yes, deviants, Fran the lady cop has robbed Amelie and Taylor of their piece of paper and drunken cheers from scantily clad women (though if I were to plan their wedding, the aforementioned women and paper would be included – call me).

Exhibit B: Fran’s sense of style. Look at Fran, calm, confident, presumably about to get some. Her tan says “is it sprayed on or not? Touch me to find out,” while her hair is playfully curly with highlights, but up in a ponytail saying she takes government-issued photo ID and room numbers, ladies. Fran, like any lesbian of her age, knows all the hottest girls are at rallies, because she was once a bra-burning party girl who wouldn’t take no for an answer, unless it was her lady’s safe word; then she would.

Exhibit C: Amelie’s wandering hands joined with Taylor’s horror. We can’t see Amelie’s hands in the photo, but I’d be willing to bet she’s putting Fran’s number into her phone, as Fran watches on in enjoyment (note her face) and Taylor looks on in horror – could Amelie be replacing her with Fran in her top five?! Yes, it could be happening. And given Taylor’s incredibly sensual neck bulge, I’d say it is happening.

Do we need to review the facts? Of course not! I know half of you are drunk off your asses reading my blog in disbelief: “OMG gkjh dglsdhek YAY,” you’ll drunkenly text your friends and that girl who may or may not be your girlfriend. I can only assume this means something good about me, or that you are Fran and your scheme’s been found out. If the latter is true, Fran, call me – I will make this post go away in exchange for Amelie’s number.

You know where to find me.

Love, Lauren

Prop 8 loopholes

So, you live in California and you still can’t get married? Well, shucks! The Onion News Network (one of the many satirical news organizations which still happens to be more reputable than Fox) has just posted a video citing  the biggest gay marriage loophole since, well, Canada. Gender reassignment surgery! So grab your same sex partner and flip a coin, arm wrestle, or play Twister on acid (with a designated wet blanket to keep score) and figure out who’s turning their dick into a diane, and vice versa. 

The perils of: Having a vagina

It’s a hard life, ladies. We are told to wear this and that, cut our hair one length for fall, and then have it all magically grow back when Rapunzel chic comes around in winter, but for most of us, we shrug off the really lame marketing strategies in favour of something else; beer and all dressed Ruffles chips.

It's how I stay so slim... by not opening the Ruffles.

It's how I stay so slim... by not opening the Ruffles.

Sometimes, people actually pay attention to these ads, like those pesky feminists that just fell of the Sonoma Diet bandwagon, or Sarah Haskins. Now, I know what you’re thinking:

First, I resent that feminism remark. Second, who is Sarah Haskins?

Well, darlings, since you cannot Urban Dictionary her (though you can Urban Dictionary terms like “tolerance juice” and inappropriate sexual endeavours posing as Jewish holidays, so Urban Dictionary has yet to be discredited), I will fill you in. Sarah Haskins does a bit for Current TV called Target Women, and it is absolutely hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that it is 26 degrees outside and I am sitting on my couch sipping on beer and wondering when I bought these all dressed Ruffles, watching her.

Sarah takes everything women are taught in the media, puts on her satire cap (of which I have yet to find a picture), and spins it all up into life lessons, Current TV style.

She touches on skin care: 

And weddings:

And of course, cleaning:

For more Current TV, head on over to their website. Ah, I should be getting paid for this.

 

SuperNews does it again

I subscribed to The Current on YouTube a week or so, and I am thoroughly impressed with myself. Yes, their vaguely-amusing movie reviews clog my subscriptions box, but whenever the SuperNews segments come about, I am thoroughly impressed (remember Hipsters in Space?).

The newest one, “Life on Mars… Is Gay!”, chronicles the lives of gay martians as told be two scientists, who found this all out from a soil sample. It’s really well done. Oh, and everyone’s favourite Rachel Maddow makes an appearance too, well, kind of.

Just watch it.

The Perils of Cycling Fashionably: Montreal Winter Edition

Not intended to be worn anywhere other than the comfort of your own home.

 

Not intended to be worn anywhere other than the comfort of your own home.

 

When I first moved to Quebec, I was met with two main responses: 

“Sweet! The drinking age is 18.”

“You’re going to be so cold, gain 20 lbs.”

    While both statements were probably true, I only really cared about what was behind door number one. No more fake IDs. But it seems like door number two has flung open. It is freezing here. And I am so terribly unprepared for such weather.

    I’ve been cycling recently as I would in the first couple weeks of autumn; hoodies, skinnies, and beyond the point of disheveled high tops. However, this year I seem to have omitted a key part of my autumn attire, the infamous “skinny-white-kid-love-handles”, I haven’t put on an ounce. While I’m stoked about this, because shoot, girl, I’m lookin’ so fly. I am also going to have no teeth left by the time spring comes because they will have chattered off. 

    “Don’t worry baby, I don’t bite.” Is not sexy when you actually don’t have teeth. Seriously.

    But, if you will refer back to the title, you will note that “perils” is present. The answer is not simply bundle up. No, because we want to cycle fashionably. I could, quite easily, put on a balaclava, neon neck warmer, ski goggles, a cycling cap with ear flaps, plus my helmet in order to stay warm. But warm would not be the only thing I would be staying if I were dressed like that. I would also be staying, listen closely now, single and celibate.

    So how does one win? Get the girl and hold her in your frostbite-free arms? Well, I don’t know. But let’s brainstorm, maybe I’ll figure it out by the time I publish this blog.

Exhibit A) All that bicycle-moving motion warms you up, so you don’t have to look like eskimo Joe. Layers seems to be key. 

Exhibit B) Because you’re just so darn fast, you risk wind burn, so you need to cover your face, neck, arms, and eyes. Coverage seems to be key here. 

Exhibit C) Shoes with holes allow in air. Get some new shoes, boots just aren’t fashionable (see part about celibacy).

    Okay, so what will I be wearing this winter, given the facts? My attire will mainly be comprised of:

Multi-functional hoodies, kitschy shop glassesGay Pride pipe gloves, and the vegan version of these half cabs. And for a wind breaker, I think I’ll just sport a nice clear plastic garbage bag, as not to cover up my skeleton hoodie, of course.

[ First posted: 22/10/08 ]