Blame it on the gays

Vatican Sex Scandal

Well, sexual deviants, if you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past week, or you just haven’t left the space between your new girlfriend’s legs for the past week (good on you, by the way), I’m here to catch you up on a few things. A slew of Vatican sex abuse cases have emerged recently, so much so that an abuse hotline was opened up and 4500 calls were received on the first day. Yup. That’s the state of catholicism these days.

The Vatican’s been trying to dodge the bullets as fast as possible, but sex scandals don’t go away quickly, especially when they pile up in public. So, who’s to blame for all of this? The gays and women, of course! Because nothing says “it’s not our fault,” like using the most arcane scapegoats out there.

I’m waiting them for to blame everyone with the exception of blonde haired, blue-eyed straight boys. Yeah, I just went there.

But look where the Vatican went during a Vatican Radio show:

‘The pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and so, the shortcomings and errors of priests are used as weapons against the church.’ -AP

‘the motive for these attacks’ on the Pope and the Vatican newspaper chipped in with spirited comments from another top cardinal. ‘The pope defends life and the family, based on marriage between a man and a woman, in a world in which powerful lobbies would like to impose a completely different’ agenda, Spanish Cardinal Julian Herranz, head of the disciplinary commission for Holy See officials, said on the radio. -AP

You can check out the whole article here.

See, it’s all our fault, deviants. We’re in the wrong. We’ve chosen to raise awareness for child sexual abuse within the Catholic church so we can further the gay marriage agenda! Totally makes sense to me.

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That’s Ridiculous(ly Funny)

I love a good gay marriage parody as much as the next flaming homosexual. Check out The Onion‘s video, “New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other.” Brilliant.

More increasingly inappropriate commentary later,

Lauren

Attack of the lesbian babymakers.

Well, sexual deviants, it seems like the world is still in turmoil. Thankfully, I, your faithful blogger, remain optimistic. Here’s a quick rundown of what I’ve discovered this week.

We’re all going to get pregnant!

And just when you thought you were safe...

Yes indeed, deviants. We all need to start sleeping with one eye open and both legs closed – because, well, we’re a bunch of baby makers, apparently. The article goes on to say that we get pregnant because we’re closeted. Though, as someone who isn’t closeted and knows a thing or two about the community, one will note that there are lesbians with babies everywhere. Having a baby no longer brings you up a notch on the heteronormative ladder, so, closet cases my advice to you is get a new strategy.

I believe the lipstick lesbian cover to be the best cover of all, as it would seem that straight people don’t think that these mythical creatures exist – kind of like unicorns, or good cell phone plans. Get yourself a purse dog, some makeup, and a big purse to put the aforementioned items plus whatever else you may possibly need inside. You’ll be fine.

nataliedee.com

Like this, only bigger, and with more lipstick. (NatalieDee.com)

Okay, so there’s one crisis down. Check back later today for some Shiloh gossip, the high possibility of self deprecation, and embedded links that actually correspond with the text (okay, so that one’s a long shot).

Lauren.

Apocalypse now?

Well, it would seem like the whole world is falling apart, literally and figuratively speaking. This week we’ve seen Chile shaken to the ground, so much so that the days may be shorter. Seriously. Apple is laying down the law, slamming HTC with some patent lawsuits – but, I mean, the days aren’t getting any shorter because of that. And, most importantly, if you want to become a Canadian citizen you no longer have to hear about us pesky gays and our rights – wait a second, I think the earth just tilted again.

Yes, fellow sexual deviants, if you happen to be coming north (permanently, that is), you’ll find very little about us in “Discover Canada.” I think that the new immigrants will be in for quite a discovery when they read up about all that extra information, far more pertinent about that little factoid saying gays have equal rights, about army and aboriginal history, only to find themselves on Church St. when someone’s hosting a Village People theme night – Oh Canada.

"You know, I've read all about you people!"

Now, I was all for Canada updating the guide – it was from 1995, outdated, and probably gaudy. I am all for more Canadian history – I’m just not for more selective Canadian history.

I like gay people so much, I clean up the spare closet when they stay over at my place - they feel right at home.

Canada, well, actually we can put a face to this debacle, Jason Kenney (I’m about to tangent off, I don’t know where this sentence was going to go, but I’m sure it was going to be powerful, tear jerking, and brilliant… but I cannot remember what it was I was going to state, so this is all a little anti-climactic). The same Jason Kenney who said he was all for giving gays the right to marry, just as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. I think I’d like to nominate my 7″ of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” to be the next minister of Citizenship and Immigration, firstly because it should get us back in the good books with the gays, based on camp value alone, and secondly, while “Physical” wasn’t a masterpiece, I’d rather have lines from that song quoted in the news media than Kenney.

Sidebar: I don’t usually go around writing douche on people’s photographs, actually, I rarely ever do. But if you’ll read the article linked to above, I hope you’ll think the douche banner was warranted here.

Lauren.

I may be confusing

At least that’s what Facebook tells me. You see, today while I was updating my phone number, I also updated my gender… kind of. You see, the gender with which I identify (neither solely male or female) was offered to me, so I just left it blank, apparently that wasn’t the thing to do.

I then received this lovely message on my News Feed telling me that I may be confusing people:

 

"No gender on Lauren's Facebook?! I'm so confused about life!"

Now, this to me is funny. Being someone of the genderqueer variety actually does confuse people, at least that is the look they give me when I notify them of the fact. So not only is this notice ignorant, it could also be seen as offensive. Thankfully for Facebook, I run a little blog that I’m sure no administrators read – though that last post about Tila coming out on Twitter was pretty darn good – so I don’t think they’ll be offended by the confusing sarcastic person any time soon.

The Internet thinks of me in a very odd light, I think. Facebook is confused by me, and I am confused, in turn by YouTube and their video suggestions… why do they think I want a Snuggie so badly? Maybe the Snuggie comes in gender neutral, so I can confuse people! Now that, would be sweet.

Regular posts coming back soon, thank you for being so patient… or distracting yourself the only way a sexual deviant knows how – knitting your own non-corporate Snuggie snugly blanket with arm holes, or course!

 

Wine-o? Blogger? Same thing, neither look good on a resume.

Dearest readers, I am drunk on really expensive wine, so I am going to tell you all of my woes. Granted, I write the same while drunk as I do sober, which, I suppose, is a talent.

Here’s the thing, I have so many blog posts in the works right now, but I’m having issues.

What issues, Lauren?

Thanks for asking, dear reader, I am thinking of changing my name to something a little more gender neutral, you see. So I need ideas, because I am not a very good chooser-of-names (which is the technical term, possibly Latin). Send me your name ideas, please!

As I have just caught this, I apologize for the two sentence paragraphs that this post will be made up of. Remember, drunk disclaimer.

While I, or should I say we, pick a name, the new layout, and official website name, is on hold. I know, it’s hard for me too. Upon login I make a very disturbed face, something similar to Lil Wayne drunk .

Stellar, I know.

What else is on the docket? Well, I don’t know if you follow missed connections or not (if you don’t, leave this blog, straighto… p’cha), but I have recently come across my favourite person, quite possibly ever, going off on a very eloquent rant about Faggity Ass Fridays. If you have yet to read this, you can check it out here. Whomever you are, you had better just confess to being, um, awesome, now. I am putting out a reward of three scandalous photos of myself and daily icanhascheezburger highlights for a week to whomever can give me names and locations. Send out the dogs. And by “dogs”, I mean gays.

What else can I update you on? What else can top that picture of Lil Wayne? Liz fucking Feldman. While her middle name is not fucking, at least not as far as I know, it should be. Why? Because I’d get with that. Also, she’s hilarious, dear reader, and you must check her out. Most recently, she’s been working on The Jay Leno Show to come up with gems like this:

Who doesn’t want a Twittering grandmother? I certainly want one, all of my family drama on Twitter? Follow that.

I feel like I’ve exhausted myself at this point, but “keep it locked” for upcoming music posts, and lesbian lolcats. Oh, you just wait.

Have I had any hot chick pictures yet? No? Here you go:

Oh, Im cheeky while drunk.

Oh, I'm cheeky while drunk.