Portia’s on the Advocate, and Glenn Beck’s crying… again.


Glenn Beck

I’d like to start off by saying the world is a slightly better place today, well,  unless you’re driving in front of a Toyota, I suppose. But I digress, one of my least favourite Fox News hosts (of which, admittedly, there are many), Glenn Beck, has had all of the ads pulled from his show for five straight days in the UK. NO, it’s not because his fans just can’t sit through a minute and a half of suspense to see what he shreiks about next, the reasoning goes a little more like this:

We in no way want to promote the hateful rhetoric of Mr. Glenn Beck, and therefore take this matter very seriously,” said Dino Balzano, director of advertising at Concord Music Group, parent company of Hear Music, in an email to ColorOfChange.org.

I wonder how long his show will last now – also, does anyone else get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when a Fox News host gets what was coming to them?

Anyway, I just wanted to start off on a good foot. Now, a little disclaimer; I’ve been gone for a fair while, and a lot has gone on in the mean time, so the next couple of posts may either be very confusing (for those of you who rely on my as your sole source of sarcastic gay news), or overly explained – email me when you start getting pissed off, and we’ll figure something out.

Portia is on the cover of The Advocate, and she’s getting an HRC award. I love Portia, and I think that we should all grab a coffee, snuggle in, and look at a couple clips of Portia being, well, Portia – she is winning an award just for being her lovable self, let’s not forget.

If you do a quick Google search (which, by the way, is how I get all my impressive-looking information), you’ll notice that this isn’t the first time Portia’s graced the front of The Advocate:

September 2005, I think

Issue 1016 - Whenever that was.

Then there was the wedding, which I’m sure we all spent countless hours scouring the Internet for photos (if you didn’t, just humour me, I can’t get those hours back):

Then there was that time when Portia schooled the annoying Republican from The View on what equal rights really mean:

Here’s her behind the scenes footage at The Advocate photo shoot:

Now, if you don’t feel like a bit of a stalker after getting to this point, then, well, you’ve made me feel better about myself, because I kind of do. What all of this is trying to say is; Portia, we love you. Never change.

Have some clips, photos, or whatever else (if it’s a sex tape, you are both godlike and creepy.) that you think will make Portia look even better, or Glenn Beck look even worse, comment below or drop me a line.

Lauren.

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Guess who’s back?

I won’t go off into the whole “back again, tell your friends…” cliche bit, because we all know about that new Eminem video controversy right?

Lauren, you’ve been gone for so long, I am no longer up on anything gay… except for my girlfriend that is.

Well, ladies, gentlemen, grrrls and bois, lets make this post a big ol’ recap of lesbian-related news. First, the Eminem thing; he’s made yet another comeback (for someone so who seems to be taking comeback pointers from Madonna, he isn’t very gay friendly), and he’s ruder than ever. It’s not surprising that he’s making fun of celebrities in videos, but he’s never gone after celesbians. Ellen and Portia, Lindsay and Sam, Eminem tries to get the drool-worthy, headline-stealing, femme ladies that we hear so much about to give up on women. There’s nothing like a little midafternoon misogyny… good luck with that converting, buddy.

In other news, it would seem that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. I know, I never really touch on Lindsay and Sam (other than that American Sapphic picture, but you can’t blame me for that one), there were Twitter wars, and now the tabloids are swarming. Apparently when two women breakup, the entire universe implodes and only US Weekly and a couple cockroaches are left standing. 

What else is of note? Out’s top 50 is, well, out, and it should come as no shock that Ellen (do I even need to say DeGeneres anymore?) and Rachel Maddow took the second and third spots; congratulations, ladies. (Oh, and I totally urge you to go through the whole thing, you’d think Out would find some nicer pictures, but I will post the highlights… er, lowlights.)

Caption highlight: Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)... Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption highlight: “Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)…” Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption Highlights: 13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA

Caption Highlights: "13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA"

Jake Gyllenhaals gay?! Oh wait, its the other guy.

Jake Gyllenhaal's gay?! Oh wait, it's the other guy.

Now that I realize I have a whole lot of laundry to do (clean clothes get chicks, clearly), I am just going to leave you with some really good news. Vermont passed.

As always, more posts later,

Lauren.

 

“Potential girlfriends”

As per usual, I am going to be sketchy with relationship details. Why? Self-preservation, of course. And I know you all only read this blog because you want us to be together forever (with the exception of the Sirois clan), so I don’t want to let anyone down. I know these posts are annoying, but at least they make me feel a little less like I’m lying to you; I’m keeping you in the loop, just not every gripping detail.

Women make me crazy sometimes. I can say sometimes with quite a degree of certainty, as women never come to me in ones. No, they all, somehow, become attracted to me at the exact same time, and it’s frustrating. Why can’t they just, you know, spread out? If you are into me right now, let’s schedule something.

Coffee two months from now? Fantastic.

Again, as per usual, I have fallen in love with the most unattainable person possible. Now, I may have been a little rash with that comment; I did not fall in love with a gay man, nor did I fall for a straight woman, so there is (technically, but I’ll get to that) hope. I am used to falling for the unattainables, I don’t know why that is, and I really wish I did so I could, you know, stop it. But I have never fallen for an unattainable who fell for me too.

“Wait, how are they unattainable if they’re presumably a gay lady, who happens to have fallen for you?”

Good question. First, yes, she’s bi. Second, there are complications. But it is so weird loving someone  before you date them. I should be used to it, I suppose, but still, so weird. I have lost my appetite. I barely sleep. And sometimes I can’t stand to be within two metres of her, not because I dislike her, but more so because I don’t trust myself.

Anyways, I’m in love. But it would seem the gay cupid, who I presume looks a lot like Portia de Rossi naked, strikes not with a single arrow, but with a slew of them, all at once, and conveniently places me in a room with all the people at the same time. Thanks, Portia de Rossi lookalike. I have too many women, and I don’t want to get with any of them, because I’m in love with someone else. 

It’s a predicament. I wish my appetite would come back… it would seem love is best suited for those who can fast for prolonged periods of time. Or for those who choose drama-free mates. I am neither of those.