Hey ma!

I know that last blog I told you all that I have “too many women”, well, one more may be coming. And she’s not exactly my type. Yes, my mother may in fact be moving to Montreal, and as such, I may be transferring. To somewhere very far away. Very far. Across an ocean far.

    The situation is this, my mom went to England with the guy from eHarmony, neglected to tell her work, and got fired. Then Sydney got sent to boarding school, she gave my dad the family dog (which is a good thing, because Dirty Old Greg, while I hate him, is really good with Zach), and gave up the eHarmony boyfriend. Apparently I’m “all she has left”, which is a total lie. And if there is a shroud of truth in it, she has probably brought it all upon herself. Probably, in that last sentence, was my attempt at being PC.

    The most worrying part about having your mother threaten to move to your city for most people, is that she would embarrass you in front of your friends. The most worrying part when my mother comes to town is the fact that she is a physically and emotionally abusive right-of-center homophobe. And if she ever moved here, I honestly don’t know what I’d do.

    I’ve slept on couches and floors for over half a year in order to get away from this woman. I went through two years of therapy because of this woman. And I have grown up. I’ve grown into someone that I’m not quite sure that I like, to be perfectly honest. I’ve been coming into my own these past two years, of course. But overall, I’ve come to accept that my mother has shaped me into a fundamentally terrible person. I’m trying to shake it off, really, but it’s been engrained in me.

    Recently, however, I feel like there’s a different part of me coming about. Maybe I’ve grown to learn how to love people who may end up hurting me, and just maybe, I’ll become someone that I like. However that is definitely speaking too soon.

…Apologies for the angst.

[ First posted: 28/10/08 ]

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“…M-S-N, not M-E-N.”

It really was that difficult.

It really was that difficult.

Blog posts two days in a row? Well, well, well, new year’s seems to be having an effect on my routines, I’m even picking up a gym membership when I get back. Fuck, I’m good at life.

    My new years was nuts; crazy house-party-hopping nuts. Christine, Mike, Stephanie and I stayed at my loft until a little past midnight, briefly (and I’m talking less than five minutes, but enough time to realize the place smelled of dried vomit) stopped in at Victory Cafe, went to a house party (two if you count the fact that we ended up at the wrong one first), met Neil and Sean, and drunkenly traversed our way to yet another house party. 

    Now, I’m not one to judge sketchy house parties, in fact I love them and try to host them as often as possible, and in the least-sketchy way possible, but these were some weird parties. I felt as if the first house party was good; Prince played. The second was pretty much people asleep (I think that was a bit of optimism showing through actually, let’s call them passed out), and I’m sure, had I stayed longer, the third party we went to would have been a meth lab. 

    Speaking people who go to meth labs, my mother just called me. I’m on the train right now, heading back to Montreal, just to give you some perspective of my surroundings. But I digress, she calls me twice; the first time to talk about her divorce and my delinquent sister, the second time to ask me what “IM” meant. 

    I don’t pretend to be a computer genius, capable of putting one together from scratch, and contributing heavily to the open source movement, that’s just not me. But I feel as if there are some things everyone knows how to do with a computer. Opening solitaire on a PC, for example. Using Photo Booth on a Mac, is also an example. And regardless of your OS (operating system… just thought I’d get a little bit of jargon in there), everyone knows how to IM and download music illegally.

    My mother may be the only person under 90 who doesn’t know that she can download music from the Internet as well as not knowing that you can chat with people online by downloading a program. To call me on the train, which, by the way, is sold out, and ask me what that is, well, she made me sound stupid. “Yes mom, you can download it.” “No, M-S-N, not M-E-N.”

    I think I may just sign up for that whole, Go to My PC thing. Because this woman does not know how to work a computer. Can I use Go to My PC on a Mac? We’ll have to see. 

[ First posted: 02/01/09 ]

Snip, snip.

I woke up this morning, ground up some Fair Trade, organic, light roast coffee, boiled some water, French pressed and sat down on a chair across from the couch. Only to be told that I need to get a job and move to a shitty, subpar apartment. Why? Because I “cost too much” according to my mother. And any money that goes towards me is actually money that could be in her pocket, so I need to cost nothing so she can get more plastic surgery, or something.

     I don’t understand that woman. She’s suing my father for the entirety of his retirement funds, and also for all the money that’s supposed to be going towards my tuition. In essence, every cent that would have ever gone to me she believes belongs to her.  So I’m done with her. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m done with her and her fucking deceptive bullshit. I don’t want to hear from her, I don’t want to see her, if I were to run into her in the street, I’d shoulder slam her and keep on walking.

    My mother is the same woman who sent me to therapy, the same woman who tried to drive me off the road and threw plates at me and told me she was going to jump off a bridge and that it was basically my fault when I was 12 years old and oblivious, is taking away my future. I’m done. I’m not putting up with her for one more second. This is the very end of my traitorous relationship with my mother. She is dead to me as of a minute ago.

    This whole escapade has made me appreciate my nature so much more, and made me realize that if I don’t become self sufficient, and quickly, that I will have nothing to fall back on. Because everything I thought I could fall back on has been stolen from beneath my feet. I can depend on no one, and I’ve known that since I was 9 years old and she would threaten me into doing my sister’s projects for her so she wouldn’t fail and she could watch television all day and still reap the benefits of having the gifted kid marks. The days of me depending on anyone, even though I had recently learned that I could lean on my father, or at least I thought I could, are over. 

    I’m a little disappointed, because I didn’t really want to go back to being tortured-loner-by-choice Lauren, but that seems to be the way things keep working out for me. I’m so happy that I’ll be out of Toronto next year, because then she can’t show up at my doorstep and pretend like she’s a victim. 

    Anyways, I guess this series of events has given my new lease on life a kick start, I’m just hoping I won’t become terribly bitter and have to own 12 cats in order to make up for the friends I’ll probably lose in the process.

(First posted: 18/07/08)