Glee to get even gayer.

This is really all the pertinent information I have for you right now, Gleeks. But when I know (which hopefully won’t be last), you’ll know.

Speculate away. Program your DVRs in advance if you’re so inclined. Personally, I’m going to practice taking screen shots…

"Totally Unautherized Maddow Seal of Approval"

Ellen. On a boat. Singing.

What can I say? It’s our good friend (well, not personally, but you get what I’m saying) Ellen DeGeneres on a boat singing what I’m sure would have been a lovely tune had the circumstances been better. By circumstances, of course, I mean the overuse of auto tune.
Anyway, enjoy. More posts soon, deviants.
http://www.twitvid.com/embed.php?guid=OVBQH

Let’s talk Craigslist.

Lauren Pettigrew Online - Craigslist Hot Women

W4W?

Craigslist. I know you troll it, in fact, you’re probably trolling it right now. Personally, I have a nasty habid of looking through missed connections, especially when I know there’s no chance of me being there (see vacations, scrabble tournaments). While I was browsing through the posts of people other than myself, who are looking for people, again, other than myself, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend.

Let me set this up properly; let’s say you’re in the middle of adopting five disabled kittens and you see a girl, you make lasting eye contact but never speak. What do you post on missed connections?

First, are you in Women seeking Women?

Good. That will probably help you to find who you’re looking for with more precision.

Now, here comes the tricky part. How do you reconnect with this woman?

Was your answer write obscure, vaguely-sexual poetry, or nothing of substance at all? Well, this post is for you, then.

How does anyone expect to find someone when you post something like this? Moreover, even if you aren’t looking to find someone, and merely purvey a message, you can’t tell me someone is reading this saying “oh my, she really does love me!”

This poster was, unfortunately, looking for me. I can tell because the last time I went on a date we ate a meal compromising of, among other things, the things that she had listed. Coincidence? I think not. Do you know how hard it is to candy coat a butterfly? It’s hard. And thus, it’s romantic.

I don’t mean to be ripping on people who try to find people through Craigslist, not at all. I do, however, mean to rip on people who are wasting my valuable lurking time. Like this lovely girl:

Lauren Pettigrew Online - Bad at Craigslist

This post above, as you can clearly see, was about me. Anyone that knows me knows I get weak in the knees for a stand alone ellipsis. In fact, I’m weak in the knees right now just thinking about it. Oh, mysterious poster, could you be the one? Could you be trying to find me? How could you possibly know me so well as to know one of my mortal weaknesses is grammar. Comment with a properly executed Oxford comma, baby.

But seriously, ladies, it’s hard enough to find someone you have a real connection with. If you think that the connection was so strong that you must resort to Craigslist to find that person, well, don’t waste your post. Unless you’re trying to lure me in with that Oxford comma – I’ll be lurking, stranger.

Lauren’s lesbian gift guide: Boobies!

Boobs: the gift that keeps on giving, right?

I know you’re nodding, so I’m just going to assume that, for once, everyone reading this is in agreeance. Since it is still December, and that means non-denominational holiday season is just around the corner, it’s always good to have a gift in your back pocket which you can give to, well, anyone (with the exception of parents, that is… but if you can pull that one off, more power to you!).

I heart Boobies - Lauren Pettigrew Online

The Keep A Breast Foundation is a non-profit organization trying to stop breast cancer through prevention and information. Sounds pretty good right? Because less breast cancer means more boobs, and that’s something everyone can get down with – even gay men can’t deny that a night out with a fag hag is just not the same until somebody gets motor boated. And what do you need to motor boat? Boobs.

I sense a common theme emerging.

You can buy all the “I (heart) Boobies” merchandise you want right here.

Lauren’s lesbian gift guide: Teva Stilettos

It’s December 1st, World AIDS Day, and to kick off the gift giving season, I’m making a list. Granted, I make lists for absolutely everything – I awoke this morning to have “write grocery list” on my to-do list. True story.

But I digress, this list is going to be full of non-denominational holiday gifts for your girlfriend, your semi-ex girlfriend, or just that special gay lady in your life (hell, even if that person just happens to be you, it’s okay). I will start the list by saying I’m not a big gift person, but gifts like these just can’t be resisted. So, I bring you the Teva Stiletto.

Teva Stiletto - Lauren Pettigrew OnlineThe Teva Stiletto brings the femme out in every wheel barrel-pushing or large garden shear-using lesbian. Heels are scary, after all – but the familiar feeling of velcro between one’s fingers will calm almost anyone into submission.

These heels say “I can do this!” and “go ahead, shop for formal wear at Mountain Equipment Co-op, you deserve it.”

Encouraging words.

But back to the gift giving, these heels are doubly awesome because they can be given alongside many other gifts. Socks, perhaps? Or, if this is for the crafty lady in your life, a ball of yarn and some needles. Or even some creative panty hose; because nothing says I-love-you-and-I-accept-that-you’re-never-going-to-stop-trying-to-be-Enid-from-Ghost-World like “bat signal” print pantyhose (comes in a variety of sizes!):

Bat Signal Pant Hose - Lauren Pettigrew Online

And Just to Reiterate: The Gloss did an article on “7 places to wear your Teva Stilettos,” one of the seven being:

“The Phish concert where you and your life partner have a commitment ceremony while being blessed with organic holy water”

But if you aren’t big on Phish, The Indigo Girls will do just fine.

Happy shopping, deviants.

Cats.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bring up the musical. Rather, I’m talking about the latest and greatest viral video marketing campaign from IKEA.

It’s okay to snicker, I did too.

A couple Brits thought it would be a great idea to let 100 cats roam free(ish) around an IKEA after hours, sparking the entire cat-crazed Internet community – commonly referred to as “the Internet community” – to go nuts and Tweet about it to their hearts content. I’m guilty of this, too, but hey, I’m down with conformity as long as it involves cats and hex keys.

This video just screams gay trap to me. Remember that episode of Cougar Town where Andy gets gay trapped?

IKEA and most everything that has to do with cats can easily be made into a gay trap for lesbians.For example, let’s take this totally fictional scenario which has definitely never happened to me before:

Person A: “Hey, did you see that futon in this month’s IKEA catalog?”

Possible lesbian: “The red one or the floral print one?”

Person A: “Gay trap.”

Possible Confirmed lesbian: “Damn.”

Of course, I maintain that could happen to anyone, lots of people read IKEA catalogs, right? In order to refine one’s gay trapping skills, you have to incorporate at least two stereotypes, or just one obscure L Word reference, into your gay trap. Enter the IKEA commercial with cats. If the lady you’re trying to trap tells you she plans on hanging out near IKEAs after hours to, uh, cruise, I guess, then there’s really no room for interpretation.

Also, any reference made to this blog is, by default, a gay trap.