I want to meet you on Chatroulette, sir

What do you get when you mix a man with an unfortunate goatee, a really addictive Lady Gaga song, a couple wigs and revealing bathing suits, and, oh yeah, an anonymous video chat service?

Perfection, that’s what.

Whoever you are, I love you, I salute you, and I am going to press next until I find you.

Also, someone fist pumps. What could be better?

Lauren.

I’m a free bitch, baby.

Well, ladies and perverts, I am pooped. I know nobody says that anymore, but I legitimately do not have the energy to think up a wittier, more modern saying. Why is that the case, you may ask? Because, clearly, I have a very difficult life – filled with party after tireless party. I am pooped.

Last night was Jess’s Birthday Monster bash, and it was filled with impromptu Gaga dance parties, good food, wardrobe malfunctions, one dollar shots, and, as always, debauchery. I, for one, got all dolled. Ready for this?

Mix one part American Apparel model:

American Apparel ModelOne part cheap hooker:

Cheap HookerAnd two parts Lady Gaga:

Lady Gaga - TelephoneShake a little bit, actually, there was a lot of shaking going on – Combine and shake like Beyonce’s ass in Crazy in Love.

Et, viola!

Gaga'd

Oh Haii!

One will note the lack of shirt – this is not because I’m just getting ready, I just didn’t wear a shirt. I don’t think it’s a crime.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep of the after effects of my lifestyle.

Lauren

I’ve got the sickness

Well, sexual deviants, I have finally succumbed to illness after months of health – a record for me. As I’m trying to leave the house as little as possible in anticipation for Jess’s Lady Gaga-themed birthday, I’ve had a lot of quality time with the Internet (though we have yet to make it to first base).

What have you found, Lauren?

Aw, shucks! Thanks for asking. Today I stumbled upon three dogs owning a police car. Well, actually, one of them was cherry picking – conformists, jeez.

But fear not, it hasn’t all been crazed dogs and LOLcats. As you all know, I’m all over Twittermy Hype Machine used to be all over my Twitter, until I loved songs at such a rate that people actually unfriended me from Facebook. So, if you’re not already stalking me on all of the above (you know I linked you above… and it’s terribly rude not to click), I have some music for you.

Bassnectar – Magical World feat. Nelly Furtado: I’ll admit I’m not exactly storming into the streets in support of drum & bass, but this song makes me at the very least want to make a sign. You know, just in case I do have to storm the streets. If you’re currently on drugs, this song is definitely for you. If you’re trying to give up drugs, maybe you should listen to this instead.

Angus and Julia Stone – Big Jet Plane: Break out your acoustic guitars and Google some tabs – this could be the simplest, most beautiful song I’ve heard in a while. Why the tabs and acoustic guitar? Sing it to your same-sex significant other – you’ll see. This song goes great paired with a full bodied red, cuddling under the stars, and short romantic strolls on the beach.

Lady Gaga – Telephone (Chew Fu Extended Fix) feat. Beyonce: I came to the realization yesterday that I am the kind-of-embarrassed owner of 14 Bad Romance remixes. Currently, I only have four Telephone remixes, so I feel as if maybe, just maybe, I’m getting my Gaga addiction under control. This song should be paired with absynth, glow sticks, Skins, and at least one person in rave pants and a mesh shirt (one nipple piercing recommended).

I have so much more for you later, so come on back now, ya hear?

Lauren

Commentators Gone Wild – Sandy Rios

I broke a promise, sexual deviants. I said I would be back the other day with Shiloh gossip, but instead I went out for St. Patrick’s day and got drunk off my ass. It was silly of me to promise you a second post on one of my favourite holidays, but I’m making up for it now with the closest thing to sexual favours I can give you – a really raunchy post about, uh, something. Just keep reading.

I know you’re all too busy to troll the internet for all things gay – hell, even I am. But I’ve prioritized “sleep” with “Google, PopUrls & coffee,” so I have the upper hand. I find things that aren’t even remotely gay, of course, like what seems to be the cast of Wayne’s World on Google Street View. I find things which, are, admittedly, kind of gay – in an Irish-family-band-singing-about-tequlia sort of way. Occassionally, I do actually come by something that is relevant, or that I could spin into something relevant-ish.

Today, I stumbled upon something totally relevant and infuriating – her name is Sandy Rios, and I know I don’t bring out the douche label often, but this lady deserves a big one. Who is Sandy Rios, you may ask. Well, you don’t want to know her, but a quick Wikipedia glance will tell you that she’s the President of Culture Campaign. An organization which, after another Wikipedia glance, is essentially based around Christian commentary of American culture – joy! Oh, and she’s a Fox News Contributor.

Check out what she has to say about Lady Gaga’s new video, “Telephone”:

Douche-worthy, right?

Well, the good people over at Idolator put together a list of her top three most ridiculous quotes with commentary. Here’s one of my favourites:

Crazy Lady Quote #3: “Our world is filled with sexual predators… they’ve done surveys to find out the men who do these kinds of things to young girls, something like 85% of them, are involved in some kind of porn. You may not watch it, your kids may not watch it, but the man next door who is a sexual predator probably does watch it. It should be outlawed. It should be banned. There is a limit to what we should tolerate.”

Idolator Counterpoint: Who, praytell, is the “they” who have done these alleged “surveys”? Rios doesn’t make it clear, either because such surveys do not exist or she is spreading inaccurate information. And since when does a sexual predator get all his ideas from Lady Gaga videos? We certainly would be able to pick them apart in a crowd easier if all sexual predators donned Kermit the Frog capes and bubble suits.

Have a good day, and remember, it’s not your fault you’re perverted – it’s Gaga’s. And I, for one, am totally fine with that.

Lauren.

Lady Gaga Trivia: Question 1

Okay, sexual deviants, I have a little game for you. Without checking Google or AfterEllen (I already cheated, but I’m bringing it to you now, so, give me a break, eh?), tell me what’s wrong, or, should I say, out of the ordinary with these photos of our dear friend Lady Gaga.

The answers “not enough nipple” and “needs background music” are too obvious to be counted.

So here are the photos, go wild and look very carefully… For your convenience I’ve decided not to be cheeky and ‘shop in Waldo (of Where’s Waldo fame).

Found it yet?

Big thanks to AfterEllen for alerting me to this in their own way: I’m not important enough to be notified personally, or anything, but I do have them on my RSS feed. Close enough?

Lauren.