“I know gay people!”

I’ve never been someone to hide my gay, I mean, if you’ve seen my haircuts over the past couple years, it’s kind of hard to mistake me for a straight girl. But, once in a while, someone either confuses me for straight, or gets drunk enough to cross their fingers and hope I’m a bisexual. I met one such character the other day at a bar – he was talking about how attractive the bartender was, and he turned to me saying something about how I must not notice things like that.

Unfortunately, I knew the bartender.

And, yes, unfortunately for him, she began laughing hysterically.

What came next is why I’ve been inspired to write again, sexual deviants. I was met with what appears to be the first response of all people in his position: “Oh! My sister’s friend is gay and she’s also nice.”

Gay and nice? Wherever did you find this rare specimen, sir?

I have never been able to fully wrap my head around the need for straight people upon meeting me to confirm that I am not the first gay person they’ve ever met. It doesn’t matter if the only gay person they’ve ever met is barely within six degrees of separation, because need to confirm that at one point or another they have interacted with a member of the LGBTQ community is just too strong.

Now, this topic’s been brought up by every lesbian from here to K.D. Lang (which is now, apparently, a destination), about how terrible it is that we assume we all know one another or that the person in question knowing a gay person somewhere doesn’t make us feel more comfortable. To them I say, “maybe,” and then I would probably shrug.

Truth is, the community’s small but I can safely say I don’t know everyone. I had no idea who the guy from the bar’s sister’s friend was – for all I know she could have been smoking hot, single, and hopefully the girl who just moved in a floor below me, though maybe that’s getting a little too specific.

The point is, straight people are great gay networking tools. Many a straight have introduced me to many a gay, and many of those gays have introduced me to large quantities of booze, bad dancing, and, in one case, their vampire den; but that’s a whole other story. It’s not all bad, deviants, when people offer to introduce you to their token gay friend.

And hey, if that friend doesn’t turn out, I’m sure they know a straight person who may even know another gay for you.

That’s Ridiculous(ly Funny)

I love a good gay marriage parody as much as the next flaming homosexual. Check out The Onion‘s video, “New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other.” Brilliant.

More increasingly inappropriate commentary later,

Lauren

Something actually passes in DC.

Grab your same-sex partner and run off to the capitol, ladies (and ladies), gents (and gent), and all those inbetweens or not-at-alls, because tomorrow you can line up to get your marriage licenses in Washington.

I imagine the line would look something like this:

Lilith Fair

Okay, so it's not so much a line as it is a crowd. And it's not so much a courthouse as it is Lilith Fair - creative visualization, please?

This is so exciting! Okay, so I get a little worked up when we sexual deviants get acknowledged in a good way, but can you blame me? I think that if you don’t get giddy over equality, there’s something wrong with you. Sure, you don’t have to blog about it right after you stumble across it on Gawker; I’ll do that for you, fear not.

Anyway, just wanted to keep you all in the know. But while I’m here, I would like to say that the Google Images collection of “Lilith Fair” related photos is deplorable – if you have pictures, post them all over the web. On second thought, I know why. Cheeky buggers.

Lauren.

Apocalypse now?

Well, it would seem like the whole world is falling apart, literally and figuratively speaking. This week we’ve seen Chile shaken to the ground, so much so that the days may be shorter. Seriously. Apple is laying down the law, slamming HTC with some patent lawsuits – but, I mean, the days aren’t getting any shorter because of that. And, most importantly, if you want to become a Canadian citizen you no longer have to hear about us pesky gays and our rights – wait a second, I think the earth just tilted again.

Yes, fellow sexual deviants, if you happen to be coming north (permanently, that is), you’ll find very little about us in “Discover Canada.” I think that the new immigrants will be in for quite a discovery when they read up about all that extra information, far more pertinent about that little factoid saying gays have equal rights, about army and aboriginal history, only to find themselves on Church St. when someone’s hosting a Village People theme night – Oh Canada.

"You know, I've read all about you people!"

Now, I was all for Canada updating the guide – it was from 1995, outdated, and probably gaudy. I am all for more Canadian history – I’m just not for more selective Canadian history.

I like gay people so much, I clean up the spare closet when they stay over at my place - they feel right at home.

Canada, well, actually we can put a face to this debacle, Jason Kenney (I’m about to tangent off, I don’t know where this sentence was going to go, but I’m sure it was going to be powerful, tear jerking, and brilliant… but I cannot remember what it was I was going to state, so this is all a little anti-climactic). The same Jason Kenney who said he was all for giving gays the right to marry, just as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. I think I’d like to nominate my 7″ of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” to be the next minister of Citizenship and Immigration, firstly because it should get us back in the good books with the gays, based on camp value alone, and secondly, while “Physical” wasn’t a masterpiece, I’d rather have lines from that song quoted in the news media than Kenney.

Sidebar: I don’t usually go around writing douche on people’s photographs, actually, I rarely ever do. But if you’ll read the article linked to above, I hope you’ll think the douche banner was warranted here.

Lauren.