“Potential girlfriends”

As per usual, I am going to be sketchy with relationship details. Why? Self-preservation, of course. And I know you all only read this blog because you want us to be together forever (with the exception of the Sirois clan), so I don’t want to let anyone down. I know these posts are annoying, but at least they make me feel a little less like I’m lying to you; I’m keeping you in the loop, just not every gripping detail.

Women make me crazy sometimes. I can say sometimes with quite a degree of certainty, as women never come to me in ones. No, they all, somehow, become attracted to me at the exact same time, and it’s frustrating. Why can’t they just, you know, spread out? If you are into me right now, let’s schedule something.

Coffee two months from now? Fantastic.

Again, as per usual, I have fallen in love with the most unattainable person possible. Now, I may have been a little rash with that comment; I did not fall in love with a gay man, nor did I fall for a straight woman, so there is (technically, but I’ll get to that) hope. I am used to falling for the unattainables, I don’t know why that is, and I really wish I did so I could, you know, stop it. But I have never fallen for an unattainable who fell for me too.

“Wait, how are they unattainable if they’re presumably a gay lady, who happens to have fallen for you?”

Good question. First, yes, she’s bi. Second, there are complications. But it is so weird loving someone  before you date them. I should be used to it, I suppose, but still, so weird. I have lost my appetite. I barely sleep. And sometimes I can’t stand to be within two metres of her, not because I dislike her, but more so because I don’t trust myself.

Anyways, I’m in love. But it would seem the gay cupid, who I presume looks a lot like Portia de Rossi naked, strikes not with a single arrow, but with a slew of them, all at once, and conveniently places me in a room with all the people at the same time. Thanks, Portia de Rossi lookalike. I have too many women, and I don’t want to get with any of them, because I’m in love with someone else. 

It’s a predicament. I wish my appetite would come back… it would seem love is best suited for those who can fast for prolonged periods of time. Or for those who choose drama-free mates. I am neither of those.

Hot girlfriends

\Homo-heart party?

Homo-heart party?

I’m actually finding it quite hard to not blog about, let’s call her, um, let’s call her nothing because I’m not going to talk about her. There. I’ve put my  foot down.

    I know this blog is supposed to be full-disclosure central, where I tell you about things that you never, ever, wanted to hear about before. But I think this is something people actually want to hear about. As such, I have no idea what to do, because I’m never the bearer of good news. More like the bearer of sarcastic undertones-laden news, disturbing, obscure, and totally extraneous news, or even bearer of endless stories about my father and Clare Estlick. I suppose I’m the village crier. 

    So I have this good news, this very good news, but I honestly have no idea how to share it. I can’t just come out and say it, I like to be mysterious, obviously. I am the Carmen San Diego of blogging, and that chick was stealthy. And I can’t just cover it up in flowery metaphor, because then I’ll just get emails telling me I’m a) ridiculous, b) not Shakespeare/Poe/Saro-Wiwa, c) no longer on their RSS feed. Seeing as the first two options are true, I fear what’s behind door number three the most. 

    In near hindsight, I realise that telling you that I don’t know how to tell you what I should tell you about what you’re assuming is my “hot girlfriend(s)” was not the best plan. In preparation for the storm, my Mail is open. So bring it on. 

    You know how I told you all that if my girlfriend ever found this blog, I’d be screwed. Well, take that out of context and flip it. I’m just trying to keep my love life in tact here, people.

[ First posted: 18/10/08 ]

No, I’m not trying something new with my hair.

Hand signals to the right.

Hand signals to the right.

In my defense, I had warned you all this was coming. The new layout is in effect. And thus, I must apologize to everyone who reads my blog when they get RSS updates. Because I’ve changed the whole site, you are probably so overloaded with updates that your mind is imploding as I type this. Another revelation being, that if my entire readership’s heads have just imploded, I should be looking for a new target audience. 

Hey you! Yeah you! The one looking over this person’s shoulder at the coffee shop. Read my blog!

    But seriously, I’m sorry for everyone on RSS, and I apologize in advance for the technical difficulties I’m expecting with this new site. I have not changed my URL yet, but I’m just letting anyone who has bookmarked this site know, that I will be moving, and soon. So you can be overjoyed when you need to bookmark me again. Man, moving sucks.

    Speaking of bad moves, this fixer-upper is going to give me carpal tunnel, I am sure of it. Tomorrow, on top of the infinite readings I need to do, I have to go out and buy bandages because my I’ve managed to cut my hands up pretty badly. And let me tell you something, breeders, finger wounds are not a turn on, there goes my plan of getting a girlfriend this weekend too, shucks!

    Speaking of girlfriends, I had this crazy dream the other night that my mom was coming to visit me, and that she knocked on the door, and I was sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper, and someone opened the door. And I’m not talking some ordinary someone, I’m talking some chick with amazing legs opened the door in nothing other than my plaid shirt, unbuttoned, of course, and hot shorts. I’m pretty sure that in the end she scared my mother away, and then we made out. Yeah, I’ve been having good dreams recently. 

    But wow, okay, this was just supposed to be an apology post. So I’m going to end it here. I don’t know how the new blog formatting is going to go, but we’ll see. New pages to come.

(First posted: 13/09/08)