Blame it on the gays

Vatican Sex Scandal

Well, sexual deviants, if you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past week, or you just haven’t left the space between your new girlfriend’s legs for the past week (good on you, by the way), I’m here to catch you up on a few things. A slew of Vatican sex abuse cases have emerged recently, so much so that an abuse hotline was opened up and 4500 calls were received on the first day. Yup. That’s the state of catholicism these days.

The Vatican’s been trying to dodge the bullets as fast as possible, but sex scandals don’t go away quickly, especially when they pile up in public. So, who’s to blame for all of this? The gays and women, of course! Because nothing says “it’s not our fault,” like using the most arcane scapegoats out there.

I’m waiting them for to blame everyone with the exception of blonde haired, blue-eyed straight boys. Yeah, I just went there.

But look where the Vatican went during a Vatican Radio show:

‘The pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and so, the shortcomings and errors of priests are used as weapons against the church.’ -AP

‘the motive for these attacks’ on the Pope and the Vatican newspaper chipped in with spirited comments from another top cardinal. ‘The pope defends life and the family, based on marriage between a man and a woman, in a world in which powerful lobbies would like to impose a completely different’ agenda, Spanish Cardinal Julian Herranz, head of the disciplinary commission for Holy See officials, said on the radio. -AP

You can check out the whole article here.

See, it’s all our fault, deviants. We’re in the wrong. We’ve chosen to raise awareness for child sexual abuse within the Catholic church so we can further the gay marriage agenda! Totally makes sense to me.

Apocalypse now?

Well, it would seem like the whole world is falling apart, literally and figuratively speaking. This week we’ve seen Chile shaken to the ground, so much so that the days may be shorter. Seriously. Apple is laying down the law, slamming HTC with some patent lawsuits – but, I mean, the days aren’t getting any shorter because of that. And, most importantly, if you want to become a Canadian citizen you no longer have to hear about us pesky gays and our rights – wait a second, I think the earth just tilted again.

Yes, fellow sexual deviants, if you happen to be coming north (permanently, that is), you’ll find very little about us in “Discover Canada.” I think that the new immigrants will be in for quite a discovery when they read up about all that extra information, far more pertinent about that little factoid saying gays have equal rights, about army and aboriginal history, only to find themselves on Church St. when someone’s hosting a Village People theme night – Oh Canada.

"You know, I've read all about you people!"

Now, I was all for Canada updating the guide – it was from 1995, outdated, and probably gaudy. I am all for more Canadian history – I’m just not for more selective Canadian history.

I like gay people so much, I clean up the spare closet when they stay over at my place - they feel right at home.

Canada, well, actually we can put a face to this debacle, Jason Kenney (I’m about to tangent off, I don’t know where this sentence was going to go, but I’m sure it was going to be powerful, tear jerking, and brilliant… but I cannot remember what it was I was going to state, so this is all a little anti-climactic). The same Jason Kenney who said he was all for giving gays the right to marry, just as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. I think I’d like to nominate my 7″ of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” to be the next minister of Citizenship and Immigration, firstly because it should get us back in the good books with the gays, based on camp value alone, and secondly, while “Physical” wasn’t a masterpiece, I’d rather have lines from that song quoted in the news media than Kenney.

Sidebar: I don’t usually go around writing douche on people’s photographs, actually, I rarely ever do. But if you’ll read the article linked to above, I hope you’ll think the douche banner was warranted here.

Lauren.

Portia’s on the Advocate, and Glenn Beck’s crying… again.


Glenn Beck

I’d like to start off by saying the world is a slightly better place today, well,  unless you’re driving in front of a Toyota, I suppose. But I digress, one of my least favourite Fox News hosts (of which, admittedly, there are many), Glenn Beck, has had all of the ads pulled from his show for five straight days in the UK. NO, it’s not because his fans just can’t sit through a minute and a half of suspense to see what he shreiks about next, the reasoning goes a little more like this:

We in no way want to promote the hateful rhetoric of Mr. Glenn Beck, and therefore take this matter very seriously,” said Dino Balzano, director of advertising at Concord Music Group, parent company of Hear Music, in an email to ColorOfChange.org.

I wonder how long his show will last now – also, does anyone else get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when a Fox News host gets what was coming to them?

Anyway, I just wanted to start off on a good foot. Now, a little disclaimer; I’ve been gone for a fair while, and a lot has gone on in the mean time, so the next couple of posts may either be very confusing (for those of you who rely on my as your sole source of sarcastic gay news), or overly explained – email me when you start getting pissed off, and we’ll figure something out.

Portia is on the cover of The Advocate, and she’s getting an HRC award. I love Portia, and I think that we should all grab a coffee, snuggle in, and look at a couple clips of Portia being, well, Portia – she is winning an award just for being her lovable self, let’s not forget.

If you do a quick Google search (which, by the way, is how I get all my impressive-looking information), you’ll notice that this isn’t the first time Portia’s graced the front of The Advocate:

September 2005, I think

Issue 1016 - Whenever that was.

Then there was the wedding, which I’m sure we all spent countless hours scouring the Internet for photos (if you didn’t, just humour me, I can’t get those hours back):

Then there was that time when Portia schooled the annoying Republican from The View on what equal rights really mean:

Here’s her behind the scenes footage at The Advocate photo shoot:

Now, if you don’t feel like a bit of a stalker after getting to this point, then, well, you’ve made me feel better about myself, because I kind of do. What all of this is trying to say is; Portia, we love you. Never change.

Have some clips, photos, or whatever else (if it’s a sex tape, you are both godlike and creepy.) that you think will make Portia look even better, or Glenn Beck look even worse, comment below or drop me a line.

Lauren.

Daily Booth

Photo 10

In an effort to get me back on the online community bandwagon (which is quite a lucrative bandwagon I hear, nothing like those wild west ones which are easy to catch up to) I’ve signed myself up for Daily Booth. What, pray tell is Daily Booth, you may ask. Well, it’s not a whole lot of anything except really self gratifying pictures of yourself everyday, for however long you’re signed up for. I have my account set up to send me nasty reminders for when I’ve forgotten, so at least I’ll have some sort of internet presence… 

In other news, I don’t know if you’ve checked out today’s Slap, but Alberta passed that pesky little bill, which means that legal guardians of the children in schools must be contacted before any sort of gay-related content is taught in classrooms. That’s right, it’s a human rights violation not to contact guardians about any semblence of gay in the classroom. Now, I don’t know how people interpret this, really, but I see it as just another Albertan roadblock for the gay community. First they take away gender reassignment surgery, and now a little girl can’t read her Harvey Milk essay to the whole class without consent from each parent/guardian of every child… I’m sure she’ll get a fantastic grade in that kind of school system.

Guess who’s back?

I won’t go off into the whole “back again, tell your friends…” cliche bit, because we all know about that new Eminem video controversy right?

Lauren, you’ve been gone for so long, I am no longer up on anything gay… except for my girlfriend that is.

Well, ladies, gentlemen, grrrls and bois, lets make this post a big ol’ recap of lesbian-related news. First, the Eminem thing; he’s made yet another comeback (for someone so who seems to be taking comeback pointers from Madonna, he isn’t very gay friendly), and he’s ruder than ever. It’s not surprising that he’s making fun of celebrities in videos, but he’s never gone after celesbians. Ellen and Portia, Lindsay and Sam, Eminem tries to get the drool-worthy, headline-stealing, femme ladies that we hear so much about to give up on women. There’s nothing like a little midafternoon misogyny… good luck with that converting, buddy.

In other news, it would seem that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. I know, I never really touch on Lindsay and Sam (other than that American Sapphic picture, but you can’t blame me for that one), there were Twitter wars, and now the tabloids are swarming. Apparently when two women breakup, the entire universe implodes and only US Weekly and a couple cockroaches are left standing. 

What else is of note? Out’s top 50 is, well, out, and it should come as no shock that Ellen (do I even need to say DeGeneres anymore?) and Rachel Maddow took the second and third spots; congratulations, ladies. (Oh, and I totally urge you to go through the whole thing, you’d think Out would find some nicer pictures, but I will post the highlights… er, lowlights.)

Caption highlight: Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)... Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption highlight: “Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)…” Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption Highlights: 13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA

Caption Highlights: "13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA"

Jake Gyllenhaals gay?! Oh wait, its the other guy.

Jake Gyllenhaal's gay?! Oh wait, it's the other guy.

Now that I realize I have a whole lot of laundry to do (clean clothes get chicks, clearly), I am just going to leave you with some really good news. Vermont passed.

As always, more posts later,

Lauren.

 

The Gay Agenda: Iowa

In these tough economic times, I suggest opening a U-Haul dealership in Iowa. Trust me.

In these tough economic times, I suggest opening a U-Haul dealership in Iowa. Trust me.

Today, Iowa has unanimously ruled that the ban on same sex marriage is unconstitutional. This makes Iowa the third state to legalize gay marriage (permanently), how exciting!

 

Plus, as Queers United tells me, Iowa does not need couples married in the state to be actual state residents. Who would have thought the gays would be road tripping to Iowa, that’s the midwest, people, to get hitched before going to California or New York? Not I.

This, of course, is never a set in stone thing; and the earliest repeal of the right of gays to equal human rights, ahem, marry could be appealed in 2012. Didn’t mean to put a damper on that one, just keeping it real, unfortunately.

Read all about it:

The Atlantic

US News

The New York Times

Head Hunting: Jim Douglas

The bill allowing gays to marry in Vermont just made it through the Senate today. This is promising on two levels, first it went through 95-52, and that’s what we like to see. Secondly because Vermont is getting its act together in the shadow of a post-Prop 8 America (not that the fight is over, bois and grrrls).

The issue is, as always, those darn Republicans! Jim Douglas can still veto it, and boy, does he ever plan to. So what should we do? I am urging all of you to get on this, because I hate having people’s rights vetoed just because someone in an uncomfortable looking chair thinks differently.

If you feel so inclined:

Phone: 802 828-3333

TTY: 800 649-6825

Fax (if you actually have one of these still): 802 828-3339

Mail address: Governor Jim Douglas, 109 State Street, Pavilion, Montpelier, VT 05609-0101

You can send him a message here

Hell, even get him on Facebook.