Blame it on the gays

Vatican Sex Scandal

Well, sexual deviants, if you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past week, or you just haven’t left the space between your new girlfriend’s legs for the past week (good on you, by the way), I’m here to catch you up on a few things. A slew of Vatican sex abuse cases have emerged recently, so much so that an abuse hotline was opened up and 4500 calls were received on the first day. Yup. That’s the state of catholicism these days.

The Vatican’s been trying to dodge the bullets as fast as possible, but sex scandals don’t go away quickly, especially when they pile up in public. So, who’s to blame for all of this? The gays and women, of course! Because nothing says “it’s not our fault,” like using the most arcane scapegoats out there.

I’m waiting them for to blame everyone with the exception of blonde haired, blue-eyed straight boys. Yeah, I just went there.

But look where the Vatican went during a Vatican Radio show:

‘The pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and so, the shortcomings and errors of priests are used as weapons against the church.’ -AP

‘the motive for these attacks’ on the Pope and the Vatican newspaper chipped in with spirited comments from another top cardinal. ‘The pope defends life and the family, based on marriage between a man and a woman, in a world in which powerful lobbies would like to impose a completely different’ agenda, Spanish Cardinal Julian Herranz, head of the disciplinary commission for Holy See officials, said on the radio. -AP

You can check out the whole article here.

See, it’s all our fault, deviants. We’re in the wrong. We’ve chosen to raise awareness for child sexual abuse within the Catholic church so we can further the gay marriage agenda! Totally makes sense to me.


That’s Ridiculous(ly Funny)

I love a good gay marriage parody as much as the next flaming homosexual. Check out The Onion‘s video, “New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other.” Brilliant.

More increasingly inappropriate commentary later,


Apocalypse now?

Well, it would seem like the whole world is falling apart, literally and figuratively speaking. This week we’ve seen Chile shaken to the ground, so much so that the days may be shorter. Seriously. Apple is laying down the law, slamming HTC with some patent lawsuits – but, I mean, the days aren’t getting any shorter because of that. And, most importantly, if you want to become a Canadian citizen you no longer have to hear about us pesky gays and our rights – wait a second, I think the earth just tilted again.

Yes, fellow sexual deviants, if you happen to be coming north (permanently, that is), you’ll find very little about us in “Discover Canada.” I think that the new immigrants will be in for quite a discovery when they read up about all that extra information, far more pertinent about that little factoid saying gays have equal rights, about army and aboriginal history, only to find themselves on Church St. when someone’s hosting a Village People theme night – Oh Canada.

"You know, I've read all about you people!"

Now, I was all for Canada updating the guide – it was from 1995, outdated, and probably gaudy. I am all for more Canadian history – I’m just not for more selective Canadian history.

I like gay people so much, I clean up the spare closet when they stay over at my place - they feel right at home.

Canada, well, actually we can put a face to this debacle, Jason Kenney (I’m about to tangent off, I don’t know where this sentence was going to go, but I’m sure it was going to be powerful, tear jerking, and brilliant… but I cannot remember what it was I was going to state, so this is all a little anti-climactic). The same Jason Kenney who said he was all for giving gays the right to marry, just as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. I think I’d like to nominate my 7″ of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” to be the next minister of Citizenship and Immigration, firstly because it should get us back in the good books with the gays, based on camp value alone, and secondly, while “Physical” wasn’t a masterpiece, I’d rather have lines from that song quoted in the news media than Kenney.

Sidebar: I don’t usually go around writing douche on people’s photographs, actually, I rarely ever do. But if you’ll read the article linked to above, I hope you’ll think the douche banner was warranted here.


Back with some homo lovin’

Hello, internet stalkers! Now I know what you’re thinking…

Oh, great, Lauren’s going to tell us she’s coming back again and then she’ll update once a month, only to promise more updates.

Well, yes, that is what I’m doing. Except for the monthly updates bit, of course. I’m sure you’re wondering where I’ve been, and I am wondering the same. Of late I’ve been trying this whole “face to face interaction” thing, which, by the way, is far overrated. So, in light of that epiphany, I’m back! I just got back from Toronto last night, and I’m still in recovery mode. Between drinking far too much Pink Elephant at Ronnies, watching a chick from Brooklyn pet her lucky horse broach(sp?) on Jeopardy, and dancing it up at College Night at the Barn, I’ve been running myself into the ground. And by the ground, I mean a lot of party-related troubles. 

I have a stellar sunburn from doing rooftop yoga at my dad’s Roncesvalles loft, I have blisters from wearing in my new half cabs, and I seem to be in a persistent state of hungover-ness (which is the medical term). But, it’s been fun. Now that I’m back at home, I seem to be getting my shit together; Jesse and I are moving in together, I’m getting paid to learn French (thanks, Quebec government!), and all seems to be well in the world of Lauren. So, naturally, I have come back to my little nook in the blogosphere, cozied up with Craigslist, and I am scouring the Internet for new music and gay-related things… like, say, Current‘s new segment, That’s Gay.

Yes, Current seems to take up far too much of my life, and yes, it’s probably not healthy, but neither are many other things I do, like smoking, making left turns on Renee Levesque, and drinking Pink Elephant. At least I can share Current shows with you, blowing second hand smoke over the Internet is a very tedious process, and I just don’t have the lung capacity, anyways.


Prop 8 loopholes

So, you live in California and you still can’t get married? Well, shucks! The Onion News Network (one of the many satirical news organizations which still happens to be more reputable than Fox) has just posted a video citing  the biggest gay marriage loophole since, well, Canada. Gender reassignment surgery! So grab your same sex partner and flip a coin, arm wrestle, or play Twister on acid (with a designated wet blanket to keep score) and figure out who’s turning their dick into a diane, and vice versa. 

Guess who’s back?

I won’t go off into the whole “back again, tell your friends…” cliche bit, because we all know about that new Eminem video controversy right?

Lauren, you’ve been gone for so long, I am no longer up on anything gay… except for my girlfriend that is.

Well, ladies, gentlemen, grrrls and bois, lets make this post a big ol’ recap of lesbian-related news. First, the Eminem thing; he’s made yet another comeback (for someone so who seems to be taking comeback pointers from Madonna, he isn’t very gay friendly), and he’s ruder than ever. It’s not surprising that he’s making fun of celebrities in videos, but he’s never gone after celesbians. Ellen and Portia, Lindsay and Sam, Eminem tries to get the drool-worthy, headline-stealing, femme ladies that we hear so much about to give up on women. There’s nothing like a little midafternoon misogyny… good luck with that converting, buddy.

In other news, it would seem that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. I know, I never really touch on Lindsay and Sam (other than that American Sapphic picture, but you can’t blame me for that one), there were Twitter wars, and now the tabloids are swarming. Apparently when two women breakup, the entire universe implodes and only US Weekly and a couple cockroaches are left standing. 

What else is of note? Out’s top 50 is, well, out, and it should come as no shock that Ellen (do I even need to say DeGeneres anymore?) and Rachel Maddow took the second and third spots; congratulations, ladies. (Oh, and I totally urge you to go through the whole thing, you’d think Out would find some nicer pictures, but I will post the highlights… er, lowlights.)

Caption highlight: Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)... Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption highlight: “Mum is still the official word on his sexuality, but Cooper (left)…” Thanks for that update, Out.
Caption Highlights: 13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA

Caption Highlights: "13. THE NEW YORK TIMES GAY MAFIA"

Jake Gyllenhaals gay?! Oh wait, its the other guy.

Jake Gyllenhaal's gay?! Oh wait, it's the other guy.

Now that I realize I have a whole lot of laundry to do (clean clothes get chicks, clearly), I am just going to leave you with some really good news. Vermont passed.

As always, more posts later,



Maddow makes it better

Well, I know it would seem as if I’ve fallen off the face of the planet recently. And that, of course, is entirely my fault. I am in the middle of finals, and as someone with a very strategic class schedule, I am finished school entirely; no more papers or exams, come Thursday. Hurray, right? Not so much, I also have to finish all the papers and assignments which all happen to be due within the next couple days for all of my classes. 

It is safe to say that my default position is the fetal one.

So until Thursday, I am going to be a raving lunatic with no clean clothes and raccoon eyes… oh baby!

I leave you with this glimmer of home, though. I already covered Iowa legalizing same-sex marriage, but Rachel Maddow just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.