I like to think I’m up on current events, fellow sexual deviants. And sometimes, I read stories which make me laugh, cry, go to my room for “quality time” – you know how it is. Today, however, as I browsed through my Twitter feed, I was directed to a CBC article which I initially thought would boil my blood, an article about police at the G20 conference cracking down on “Quebecers.”

Why the quotations, you ask? Well, I got as far as the picture when I realised that, sure, maybe these women were Quebecers, but what I could tell from the picture was they were definitely lesbians. Take a look for yourself.

Now, the article does go on to tell the reader about Quebecers being targeted, but we all know what’s at work here, deviants – cougars in uniform are cleaning the streets of our eye candy, one Quebecois lesbian couple at a time. This must stop.

Look how longingly the girl on the right, we’ll call her Taylor looks over at her presumed girlfriend, who looks as if her name should be Amelie, who seems to be having quite the time with the lady cop in the middle, we’ll call her Fran.

Yes, there were riots in the streets over the G20/G8 summits, but I think this picture is worth a thousand words, and the article I read couldn’t have been more than 300 words, so I take it upon myself to fill in the last 700.

Exhibit A: the wrist band on Amelie’s arm. This wrist band could have been for anything, but I just pretended to call a psychic hot line and I now feel like I am able to tell you almost exactly what the wrist band was for: a marriage float at Toronto Pride. Yes, deviants, Fran the lady cop has robbed Amelie and Taylor of their piece of paper and drunken cheers from scantily clad women (though if I were to plan their wedding, the aforementioned women and paper would be included – call me).

Exhibit B: Fran’s sense of style. Look at Fran, calm, confident, presumably about to get some. Her tan says “is it sprayed on or not? Touch me to find out,” while her hair is playfully curly with highlights, but up in a ponytail saying she takes government-issued photo ID and room numbers, ladies. Fran, like any lesbian of her age, knows all the hottest girls are at rallies, because she was once a bra-burning party girl who wouldn’t take no for an answer, unless it was her lady’s safe word; then she would.

Exhibit C: Amelie’s wandering hands joined with Taylor’s horror. We can’t see Amelie’s hands in the photo, but I’d be willing to bet she’s putting Fran’s number into her phone, as Fran watches on in enjoyment (note her face) and Taylor looks on in horror – could Amelie be replacing her with Fran in her top five?! Yes, it could be happening. And given Taylor’s incredibly sensual neck bulge, I’d say it is happening.

Do we need to review the facts? Of course not! I know half of you are drunk off your asses reading my blog in disbelief: “OMG gkjh dglsdhek YAY,” you’ll drunkenly text your friends and that girl who may or may not be your girlfriend. I can only assume this means something good about me, or that you are Fran and your scheme’s been found out. If the latter is true, Fran, call me – I will make this post go away in exchange for Amelie’s number.

You know where to find me.

Love, Lauren


I want to meet you on Chatroulette, sir

What do you get when you mix a man with an unfortunate goatee, a really addictive Lady Gaga song, a couple wigs and revealing bathing suits, and, oh yeah, an anonymous video chat service?

Perfection, that’s what.

Whoever you are, I love you, I salute you, and I am going to press next until I find you.

Also, someone fist pumps. What could be better?


I’ve got the sickness

Well, sexual deviants, I have finally succumbed to illness after months of health – a record for me. As I’m trying to leave the house as little as possible in anticipation for Jess’s Lady Gaga-themed birthday, I’ve had a lot of quality time with the Internet (though we have yet to make it to first base).

What have you found, Lauren?

Aw, shucks! Thanks for asking. Today I stumbled upon three dogs owning a police car. Well, actually, one of them was cherry picking – conformists, jeez.

But fear not, it hasn’t all been crazed dogs and LOLcats. As you all know, I’m all over Twittermy Hype Machine used to be all over my Twitter, until I loved songs at such a rate that people actually unfriended me from Facebook. So, if you’re not already stalking me on all of the above (you know I linked you above… and it’s terribly rude not to click), I have some music for you.

Bassnectar – Magical World feat. Nelly Furtado: I’ll admit I’m not exactly storming into the streets in support of drum & bass, but this song makes me at the very least want to make a sign. You know, just in case I do have to storm the streets. If you’re currently on drugs, this song is definitely for you. If you’re trying to give up drugs, maybe you should listen to this instead.

Angus and Julia Stone – Big Jet Plane: Break out your acoustic guitars and Google some tabs – this could be the simplest, most beautiful song I’ve heard in a while. Why the tabs and acoustic guitar? Sing it to your same-sex significant other – you’ll see. This song goes great paired with a full bodied red, cuddling under the stars, and short romantic strolls on the beach.

Lady Gaga – Telephone (Chew Fu Extended Fix) feat. Beyonce: I came to the realization yesterday that I am the kind-of-embarrassed owner of 14 Bad Romance remixes. Currently, I only have four Telephone remixes, so I feel as if maybe, just maybe, I’m getting my Gaga addiction under control. This song should be paired with absynth, glow sticks, Skins, and at least one person in rave pants and a mesh shirt (one nipple piercing recommended).

I have so much more for you later, so come on back now, ya hear?


That’s Ridiculous(ly Funny)

I love a good gay marriage parody as much as the next flaming homosexual. Check out The Onion‘s video, “New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other.” Brilliant.

More increasingly inappropriate commentary later,


I’ve been holding out on you.

As a lesbian with a crazy born again Christian mother, I have a secret or two hidden away in the back pocket of my organic cotton skinny jeans. One of which is I’m deathly afraid of caterpillars, and as such, we will never go on a romantic date in which sitting under a weeping willow beside a babbling brook is involved (Shucks!). I also never tell people where I purchased my favourite plaid shirt…

It's my best kept secret... best of all no one suspects I'm gay when I wear it, how sweet is that?

It's my best kept secret... best of all no one suspects I'm gay when I wear it, how sweet is that?

Another one of my best kept secrets, only let out by saying a couple secret words (which scrambled up are “me sex please Lauren have with”, just try to crack that code, smart guy), is This Just Out with Liz Feldman. Now, I know I can’t keep Liz from the majority of the lesbian world (curse her having a show on AfterEllen.com), but for you straight chicks, and brothers of straight chicks who went-on-your-sister’s-computer-so-you-could-get-away-with-looking-at-porn-without-having-infinite-pop-ups-on-your-own-computer, Liz Feldman can be illusive. She is like the actually-gay, probably-not-Jewish (closer inspection of her Myspace would prove me wrong there, it seems my Jew-dar is also on the fritz), version of Sarah Silverman. Best of all, she’s hilarious. Raimy, co-star and music-chooser extraordinaire (I’m sure if she ever stumbles upon this blog, she’ll be happy to see I’ve given her the prestigious title of “music-chooser”, but seriously, she has taste) blows my mind every week, and I kind of compete with her, in that I hope to find all the bands that she is about to announce before she does. I am losing, but since she’s not aware of the competition, and thus, not keeping score, that doesn’t matter.

Anyways, I just finished watching this week’s episode, and without giving too much away, I think I’m going to get a Shane-two-seasons-ago haircut, and I urge you all to continue dressing like lumberjacks with unironic mullets until I get my gaydar back from Apple. Oh, and Uh Huh Her is on there, not that they’re a big deal or anything. Not that I’m in love with Leisha Hailey, or anything. I’ll just embed the video, actually, so give ‘er a look, and you could go to AfterEllen and watch the back episodes, but I’ll be posting new ones, with commentary, as they come out.

Ha, unintentional coming out joke. Okay, here’s Liz:

…Okay, I have no idea how to make the embeds from AfterEllen work. So here’s the link, Jeez, how embarrassing! I’ll try to get this fixed, I promise.