I like to think I’m up on current events, fellow sexual deviants. And sometimes, I read stories which make me laugh, cry, go to my room for “quality time” – you know how it is. Today, however, as I browsed through my Twitter feed, I was directed to a CBC article which I initially thought would boil my blood, an article about police at the G20 conference cracking down on “Quebecers.”
Why the quotations, you ask? Well, I got as far as the picture when I realised that, sure, maybe these women were Quebecers, but what I could tell from the picture was they were definitely lesbians. Take a look for yourself.
Now, the article does go on to tell the reader about Quebecers being targeted, but we all know what’s at work here, deviants – cougars in uniform are cleaning the streets of our eye candy, one Quebecois lesbian couple at a time. This must stop.
Look how longingly the girl on the right, we’ll call her Taylor looks over at her presumed girlfriend, who looks as if her name should be Amelie, who seems to be having quite the time with the lady cop in the middle, we’ll call her Fran.
Yes, there were riots in the streets over the G20/G8 summits, but I think this picture is worth a thousand words, and the article I read couldn’t have been more than 300 words, so I take it upon myself to fill in the last 700.
Exhibit A: the wrist band on Amelie’s arm. This wrist band could have been for anything, but I just pretended to call a psychic hot line and I now feel like I am able to tell you almost exactly what the wrist band was for: a marriage float at Toronto Pride. Yes, deviants, Fran the lady cop has robbed Amelie and Taylor of their piece of paper and drunken cheers from scantily clad women (though if I were to plan their wedding, the aforementioned women and paper would be included – call me).
Exhibit B: Fran’s sense of style. Look at Fran, calm, confident, presumably about to get some. Her tan says “is it sprayed on or not? Touch me to find out,” while her hair is playfully curly with highlights, but up in a ponytail saying she takes government-issued photo ID and room numbers, ladies. Fran, like any lesbian of her age, knows all the hottest girls are at rallies, because she was once a bra-burning party girl who wouldn’t take no for an answer, unless it was her lady’s safe word; then she would.
Exhibit C: Amelie’s wandering hands joined with Taylor’s horror. We can’t see Amelie’s hands in the photo, but I’d be willing to bet she’s putting Fran’s number into her phone, as Fran watches on in enjoyment (note her face) and Taylor looks on in horror – could Amelie be replacing her with Fran in her top five?! Yes, it could be happening. And given Taylor’s incredibly sensual neck bulge, I’d say it is happening.
Do we need to review the facts? Of course not! I know half of you are drunk off your asses reading my blog in disbelief: “OMG gkjh dglsdhek YAY,” you’ll drunkenly text your friends and that girl who may or may not be your girlfriend. I can only assume this means something good about me, or that you are Fran and your scheme’s been found out. If the latter is true, Fran, call me – I will make this post go away in exchange for Amelie’s number.
You know where to find me.