It’s a slow day in lesbo land.

I awoke this morning, which is rare because I have recently abandonned the early-riser thing, only to realise the lesbian community is in collapse. How do I know this, you may ask. Well, my RSS feeds were baron, and I subscribe to AfterEllen; thus, the apocalypse.

I did make numerous futile attempts to do things on AfterEllen other than watch Padma eat a bacon cheeseburger. I updated my profile, I even lurked message boards, and it’s a sad state of affairs when I lurk message boards. Why? Mostly because I cannot stand Internet speak; one exclamation part is enough, most often one is too many. “LOLS” does not stand for anything. I do not wear “soxerz”, so I do not comprehend how someone could “roxerz” the “soxerz” in question. I am just not cut out for message boards.

I did stumble upon something interesting though, in the form of a vlog called Alexi’s Closet; it was a traumatizing experience. Alexi, the owner of the closet (and presumably its contents) gives fashion advice to lesbians via AfterEllen. In light of the fact that I posted a fashion no-no’s blog earlier, I feel as if I must comment on this vlog. I am by no means a fashion expert, designer, rarely do I consider myself a fashionista-of-sorts (although I have been told I dress nicely…). The only credit I have to my name fashion-wise right now is the fact that I have a pair of functioning eyes (when paired with glasses), and apparently, that is all one needs.

Before I go on to Alexi’s Closet, I would like to say that Jesse and I went shopping yesterday, only to scurry to Holt Renfrew for salvation. Upon walking into Levi’s, we were greeted by the horrors of white, really wide flare bell bottoms, and tacky belts. Bell bottoms. White bell bottoms. First, no AfterEllen posts, second, bell bottoms?! Ready your tinfoil hats.

Back to Alexi’s Closet (you may want to keep your tinfoil hat on for this), she was giving fashion advice for people going to Dinah. This I totally sanction, Dinah is a wonderful place, and once I age to perfection, or the legal drinking age in the States, I will be there, and I want to see hot, well dressed, women. But rhinestone-encrusted jean skirts? Short, black, jean shorts? Tacky tops with “built in accessories!”? No. You might as well pick up a pair of Levi’s white super flared bell bottoms, honey. Who does this woman think she is? Why does she have such a bad haircut? And how is it that she can tell women what to wear while I can just scoff? 

Lades, I am going to make my own lesbian fashion vlog. 

a) I have eyes which function properly in tandem with my glasses

b) I already have a YouTube channel and I don’t post videos often enough

c) I cannot sit idly by and have this woman conceivably ruin Dinah for me in the future

d) I want an AfterEllen vlog.

Lesbian “fashion”

AfterEllen posted a brief, but still thoroughly amusing, piece on lesbian fashion and haircuts. Thank you, Emily Hartl, for bringing about the fact that bandanas which are not used as headbands (at the appropriate headband width) are bringing down the movement. If Harriet the Spy didn’t even do it, then neither should you.

I would like to add a few things to this list, while we’re talking about stereotypical lesbian dress/appearance.

First, wolf-howling-at-the-moon t shirts. This one explains itself, all you really need is to be at a drum circle now, with a not-so-ironic mullet.

Second, if you are one of those lovely ladies who wear boxers (hi, I’m Lauren, would you like another drink?), I am down with that. I am so down with that that I don’t mind seeing a little boxer now and then. But beyond a little bit of boxer, or a little bit of manties, I do not need to see your whole ass (that’s why I’m buying you a drink, silly!). So, I propose appropriate belting, because I do enjoy the slightly baggy skinny jean or straight leg on a woman; with a nice belt, you could do wonders. People knock the belt, but that’s because there was that terrible phase where they gave you canvas, or hemp, or something, put an o-ring on one end and sent you off on your way. Don’t do it, please. Please. No terrible belt buckles either, because those are just unflattering unless they are very witty. If they are very witty, I allow you to wear them once every two weeks, or once a month, but not every time you go to the same venue. 

 

Do not attempt this, ever.

Do not attempt this, ever.

Finally, this is something which goes out to most everyone: poor dye jobs. If you are going to dye your hair, do it right. My short haired women, do not frost your tips, I know it’s tempting, but please don’t. If you are going to dye your short hair, do not attempt at-home highlights, you will look like a cheetah, and I will not buy you a drink (which clearly is the goal of every woman, and thus, a major deterrent). Women of all other hair lengths, don’t think you get off scott-free. No one, in my opinion, should be highlighting their hair at home, especially not alone. Highlights and lowlights, and god forbid, streaks, should, in my opinion, always be done by a professional. At least then you have someone to blame (unless of course you were talked into getting streaks, which is all your fault, honey). If you are going to dye your hair a bright colour, do it properly. Bleach first, dye next, and maintain, maintain, maintain. Pink hair is fine, if you keep it up. Pink-ish hair with black roots transitioning into orange-tinged bleach job? Not so sexy. So please, save up your pennies if you must, and go see a hair stylist who knows how to cut your hair. I, personally, learned this the hard way, when my hair became ridiculously curly, and my hairdresser had no idea how to cut hair, I was the whitest member of the Jackson 5, it was terrible. Find someone who can cut your hair type, knows the right cuts for face shape, and has an edge. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to be done well.

 

NO!

NO!

The Perils of Cycling Fashionably: Montreal Winter Edition

Not intended to be worn anywhere other than the comfort of your own home.

 

Not intended to be worn anywhere other than the comfort of your own home.

 

When I first moved to Quebec, I was met with two main responses: 

“Sweet! The drinking age is 18.”

“You’re going to be so cold, gain 20 lbs.”

    While both statements were probably true, I only really cared about what was behind door number one. No more fake IDs. But it seems like door number two has flung open. It is freezing here. And I am so terribly unprepared for such weather.

    I’ve been cycling recently as I would in the first couple weeks of autumn; hoodies, skinnies, and beyond the point of disheveled high tops. However, this year I seem to have omitted a key part of my autumn attire, the infamous “skinny-white-kid-love-handles”, I haven’t put on an ounce. While I’m stoked about this, because shoot, girl, I’m lookin’ so fly. I am also going to have no teeth left by the time spring comes because they will have chattered off. 

    “Don’t worry baby, I don’t bite.” Is not sexy when you actually don’t have teeth. Seriously.

    But, if you will refer back to the title, you will note that “perils” is present. The answer is not simply bundle up. No, because we want to cycle fashionably. I could, quite easily, put on a balaclava, neon neck warmer, ski goggles, a cycling cap with ear flaps, plus my helmet in order to stay warm. But warm would not be the only thing I would be staying if I were dressed like that. I would also be staying, listen closely now, single and celibate.

    So how does one win? Get the girl and hold her in your frostbite-free arms? Well, I don’t know. But let’s brainstorm, maybe I’ll figure it out by the time I publish this blog.

Exhibit A) All that bicycle-moving motion warms you up, so you don’t have to look like eskimo Joe. Layers seems to be key. 

Exhibit B) Because you’re just so darn fast, you risk wind burn, so you need to cover your face, neck, arms, and eyes. Coverage seems to be key here. 

Exhibit C) Shoes with holes allow in air. Get some new shoes, boots just aren’t fashionable (see part about celibacy).

    Okay, so what will I be wearing this winter, given the facts? My attire will mainly be comprised of:

Multi-functional hoodies, kitschy shop glassesGay Pride pipe gloves, and the vegan version of these half cabs. And for a wind breaker, I think I’ll just sport a nice clear plastic garbage bag, as not to cover up my skeleton hoodie, of course.

[ First posted: 22/10/08 ]

On flagging

I never really understood the whole concept of “flagging” before a couple of weeks ago. Flagging is essentially a way for members of the community to let everyone know what they’re getting into, and I think it’s a pretty smashing idea. I mean, at least this way you can avoid the awkward “so maybe later I can pee on you” coming out of the blue, unless that’s what you’re looking for.

     Plus, I kind of think the bandana hanging out of some baggy-ish jeans is sexy. So I see it as a win-win situation. If only I could find a bandana shop! Because it seems the rules are pretty clear (and fussy too, yikes), and the wrong bandana could be the difference between cuddling up with your teddy bear, and finding someone who’ll move in with you a week later.

 Attached is the colour list, as well as a brief history & a how to from Wikipedia.

Wikipedia Flagging Article

(First posted: 27/06/08)