I know, I know. Two posts in one day, I really have to stop doing this. But, I just feel connected today, and to be honest, usually I don’t feel a thing. I’ve been nursing my leg back to working order today, and I’ve been spending so much time with myself recently, that well, there’s been a lot of time for me to think things over. This isn’t my coming out story, this is my coming out dilemma. Actually, I don’t know what this is going to be, so if you want to stop reading now, I won’t hold it against you.
The first person I ever loved was Alice, I knew I loved her because she became my entire world. It sounds silly, because she was my first best friend, too. I was 3, she was too, our mothers met somehow and we had play dates set up. I knew her for 4 years, and she was the only person in the world to me at that time. Back then, I never could put two and two together. For me, it wasn’t I like girls it was I like this girl. And that was how I thought for a while. A lot of girls have come into my life since her, and yet it was still hard for me to put it all together.
It was Becky in 3rd grade, it was Catherine, it was these people, and more that made me enjoy life all that much more. Catherine was a serious friend, we would go for long walks, and talk for hours. I fell madly in love with her in the 6th grade. She used to sit really close to me, and I would stop listening to her at times just to ponder what would happen if I were to kiss her. At that point, she was just a girl that I liked. I mean, lots of girls like their friends?
For a short period of time, I was in love with Dani. She was the first girl who I had a gut feeling liked me back, you know, that way. We were touchy-feely, and while she was terribly self conscious and a little bit immature, I fell in love with her quirks. She would sit in my lap, and play with my hair, and rest her body against me as I held her. At night we would laugh, and laugh, and she would fall asleep in my arms. Her and I drifted apart after a while. I think that we were both drowning in what ifs and we couldn’t even talk about it to one another for fear we’d scare the other away. After Dani, Ellie came into my life. I knew her through Dani, and we all became friends. But Ellie, Ellie is beautiful. Ellie was the first girl I ever seriously kissed. Followed two seconds later by Dani, mind you. But the first girl I kissed none the less. We were polar opposites, but we got one another on a way I don’t know how to describe. She was so boy crazy, and I thought I could change her. I was so wrong and it tortured me near every day. She went from one guy to the next, in a way that made me think that she was so impartial to men that I had a chance. She would hold my hand, link arms with me, tell me all her secrets, and we slow danced once. When it was her and I, there was no one else. No one mattered to me when we’d watch movies in her basement. I laid in her arms and she held me under the blankets. She would squeeze me when something of note happened, or when she got happy when we talked. She made me feel. And that is a hard thing to do.
Then I went away, I left Toronto and I met a girl or two. Fran came into my life first, I think she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out. When I first met her, I hated her and she hated me, we became friends instantly, I don’t remember how, or why, but I’m glad it happened. While I was away, I grew up, the five weeks I spent out there have shaped my life more so than the years that have passed. I grew up with Fran, We did everything together, and when she held my hand, I was on top of the world. She held my hand everywhere we went, so you can imagine how those five weeks felt. We did everything best friends do, I know everything about her, and on the last day, before we all had to leave, I wrote her a note. It said that I knew that I wasn’t the easiest person in the world to understand, and I vowed to let her in on every facet of my life, because I wanted her to be that intimate with me. I was willing to put everything on the line for her. I told her I loved her. I meant it. I kissed her. I meant it, too. But when she pulled away, I pretended like it was nothing. The pitter patter went away. I realized that I loved her, no matter if she didn’t love me, and it came back. I still consider her one of my best friends, even though we don’t talk like we used to. I know her better than anyone, and I get phone calls late at night from her, saying she can’t talk to anyone else about what’s just gone on. Even if I haven’t talked to her in months, I know her best. There was another girl at camp, she was the first girl who I really pursued, her name was Grace. We had no friends in common, she wasn’t my type, but she was gorgeous, and she was damaged, and she sparked my interest because she was just such a challenge. She was one of those people, that you can almost see the wall they put up for fear of being hurt. I loved her every flaw. She opened up to me, we walked through the woods together, and we talked candidly about anything and everything. I don’t know if I loved her, but I know that if she and I were to ever date, she would be the last girl I ever date.
And now? Well, there’s not much to tell these days. now that I’m out, I’m a little bit frazzled. I don’t want to meet you in a bar, or at a dance party, or in a dimly lit room, a bottle of patron in both hands. I want to meet you in a coffee shop, I want to meet you at a poetry slam, or the gallery show, or in a tiny book store, while you take the last copy of exactly what I was looking for. But most of all, I want to meet you, and I want you to want to meet me too. I’m so tired of chasing people, hoping they’ll change for me, when such a huge part of me knows they’re not going to change. I don’t talk about feeling often, truly, it is very hard to bring emotion out of me. I seal myself off in such a way that I am perfectly content in most every situation. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m not afraid of failure, I’m not afraid of rejection, I live in fear of nothing. I don’t know why that is, or if it’s normal, I just know that’s how I am. And that’s probably how I’ll always be.
I just changed all the names, and they’re in alphabetical, so no clues. And out of respect for my coming out story/dilemma, there are no ironic links or comical pictures, weird…
(First posted: 25/08/08)