iPhones a-plenty

I like to think I know a thing or two about a a thing or two, sexual deviants. I know not to put my new red flannel shirt in with all my white wife beaters (okay, I don’t actually have that many wife beaters, but you get the idea).  I know that putting a dome over an oil spill is kind of like putting an endangered species in a bubble so nothing can eat it. And I know that you really don’t want to fuck with Apple.

One of my favourite celesbians, Ellen, apparently hasn’t been keeping up on the fact that Apple protects its brand more diligently than I protect the good name of Tegan and Sara. She aired an spoof iPhone commercial the other day and Steve Jobs was, well, disappoint.

As someone who considers herself rather tech-savvy, I happen to have an iPhone, and, oh, does it ever make me happy. I can tell everyone where I am at all times, flood my Twitter, and thus my Facebook status updates with random, often times unwanted, witticisms – I can do most everything I want (except multi-task, but we all know that’s coming with the 4G/HD… eep!). Though, while we’re talking iPhones, I have some less exciting, more sobering news.

I think we all need to take a moment for Mark Woodland, who was killed on Saturday after arranging a date with a guy via a “social networking app” for gay men.

We should review some hard facts here: you’re probably gay. Right? Actually, you, whoever you are, are most likely gay, looking for pictures of lesbians, or someone who dislikes gay people for no apparent reason. I’m cool with the first group. Hell, I can even understand what the second group would be doing here – it’s not like I’ve never trolled the internet for pictures of lesbians only to stumble upon overly sarcastic bloggers handing out PSAs. But the last group I have a serious problem with, just as they have a serious problem with me: unfortunately, they can change their mindset to remedy the situation, I can’t change my orientation, and that seems to be something that is rather difficult to grasp for these people. You, gay haters, make me rather ill.

Now that I have that out of my system…ish, it’s time I leave you for now with a message: be careful out there, deviants. And remember, I love you all.

Lauren

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Apocalypse now?

Well, it would seem like the whole world is falling apart, literally and figuratively speaking. This week we’ve seen Chile shaken to the ground, so much so that the days may be shorter. Seriously. Apple is laying down the law, slamming HTC with some patent lawsuits – but, I mean, the days aren’t getting any shorter because of that. And, most importantly, if you want to become a Canadian citizen you no longer have to hear about us pesky gays and our rights – wait a second, I think the earth just tilted again.

Yes, fellow sexual deviants, if you happen to be coming north (permanently, that is), you’ll find very little about us in “Discover Canada.” I think that the new immigrants will be in for quite a discovery when they read up about all that extra information, far more pertinent about that little factoid saying gays have equal rights, about army and aboriginal history, only to find themselves on Church St. when someone’s hosting a Village People theme night – Oh Canada.

"You know, I've read all about you people!"

Now, I was all for Canada updating the guide – it was from 1995, outdated, and probably gaudy. I am all for more Canadian history – I’m just not for more selective Canadian history.

I like gay people so much, I clean up the spare closet when they stay over at my place - they feel right at home.

Canada, well, actually we can put a face to this debacle, Jason Kenney (I’m about to tangent off, I don’t know where this sentence was going to go, but I’m sure it was going to be powerful, tear jerking, and brilliant… but I cannot remember what it was I was going to state, so this is all a little anti-climactic). The same Jason Kenney who said he was all for giving gays the right to marry, just as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. I think I’d like to nominate my 7″ of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” to be the next minister of Citizenship and Immigration, firstly because it should get us back in the good books with the gays, based on camp value alone, and secondly, while “Physical” wasn’t a masterpiece, I’d rather have lines from that song quoted in the news media than Kenney.

Sidebar: I don’t usually go around writing douche on people’s photographs, actually, I rarely ever do. But if you’ll read the article linked to above, I hope you’ll think the douche banner was warranted here.

Lauren.

Get your little rainbow flag-waving hands ready!

Toronto PrideIt’s that time of year, June is pride month and the official festivities are about to begin. Now, I’ve never been to a pride outside of Toronto, but from what I’ve heard, we’re not doing too shabby up here. Kickoff festivities are this Friday at Woody’s, 7:00 (even though any time after 8 is fashionable). I will be there, and well dressed. 

     Narcissism has not taken over, so fear not from that “well dressed” line. Let’s move on to Pride attire shall we? If you’ll recall last year’s parade, there were supersoakers full of lube, shooting off into the crowds like a teenaged boy at… yikes. Anyways, my point being lube does not easily come out of your favourite shirt, and one must dress well at all other pride events to make up for the half-ass getup they end up sporting for the big show.

     The downfall of the lube supersoakers are that I cannot really attract people covered in mediocre clothes and lube (or can I?). I wish I could wear my best and still be awkwardly dancing front and center, alas, you can’t win ’em all.

     On a totally unrelated tangent, I am madly in love with Apple. My Pro’s keyboard malfunctioned and they just gave me a new one, Steve Jobs has his merits.