Lady Gaga Trivia: Question 1

Okay, sexual deviants, I have a little game for you. Without checking Google or AfterEllen (I already cheated, but I’m bringing it to you now, so, give me a break, eh?), tell me what’s wrong, or, should I say, out of the ordinary with these photos of our dear friend Lady Gaga.

The answers “not enough nipple” and “needs background music” are too obvious to be counted.

So here are the photos, go wild and look very carefully… For your convenience I’ve decided not to be cheeky and ‘shop in Waldo (of Where’s Waldo fame).

Found it yet?

Big thanks to AfterEllen for alerting me to this in their own way: I’m not important enough to be notified personally, or anything, but I do have them on my RSS feed. Close enough?

Lauren.

Tila’s a lesbian… Twitter told me so.

 

Tila Tequila Lesbian

Just to clarify, I am not the "mama" in question...

 

I’m still sick, fellow sexual deviants, but I could not let this one slip through your fingers (pending they aren’t already in inappropriate places)… My good friend (and by “good friend” I am using the, uh, say-someone’s-your-good-friend-because-you-love-their-blog-in-hopes-they-love-you-back meaning) StuntDouble over at AfterEllen has taken Tila Tequila’s official-ish (does Twitter count as official?) coming out to a whole new level…

Here’s a couple exerpts, though you can read the whole post here!

Alberta: better late than never

It's time for a new crest, I think.

It's time for a new crest, I think.

It’s not a good day for the Phelps clan. While I don’t generally get to rain on the crazy fundamentalist parade, today I could not pass up the chance. I complained earlier about my RSS feeds from AfterEllen becoming near-non-existent this weekend, but I was pleasantly surprised by my favourite blogger, Mark of Slap Upside the Head, because he alerted me (and the rest of the Internet) to the fact that Alberta has finally decided to pass legislation to protect the LGBTQ community from discrimination and, presumably, a wealth of other human rights abuses.

 

Fortunately for the ever-present Fred Phelps, his website, godhatescanada.com, is now actually relevant, as opposed to “godhatescanadaexceptforalberta.com” (I guess deciding to host that URL was as good of an investment as Bear Stearns, eh?). But the fundamentalists do have something to be happy about, as the new legislation also allows parents to take their children out of certain classes based on religious issues. My religion, based around the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, bars me from taking accounting, PE (with the exception of sex ed, of course. My religion really just bars me from playing the sinful game of ultimate frisbee), and advanced calculus… it just makes me wish I were in an Alberta high school right now.

It’s about time Alberta passed this (the gay thing, not the religion thing), as the Supreme Court made the decision way back in 1998. Unfortunately, it seems as if Alberta is a region of backward thinkers; they have the oil sands, and those “white power” protests going on still, right?

A win is a win, that’s what I say.

It’s a slow day in lesbo land.

I awoke this morning, which is rare because I have recently abandonned the early-riser thing, only to realise the lesbian community is in collapse. How do I know this, you may ask. Well, my RSS feeds were baron, and I subscribe to AfterEllen; thus, the apocalypse.

I did make numerous futile attempts to do things on AfterEllen other than watch Padma eat a bacon cheeseburger. I updated my profile, I even lurked message boards, and it’s a sad state of affairs when I lurk message boards. Why? Mostly because I cannot stand Internet speak; one exclamation part is enough, most often one is too many. “LOLS” does not stand for anything. I do not wear “soxerz”, so I do not comprehend how someone could “roxerz” the “soxerz” in question. I am just not cut out for message boards.

I did stumble upon something interesting though, in the form of a vlog called Alexi’s Closet; it was a traumatizing experience. Alexi, the owner of the closet (and presumably its contents) gives fashion advice to lesbians via AfterEllen. In light of the fact that I posted a fashion no-no’s blog earlier, I feel as if I must comment on this vlog. I am by no means a fashion expert, designer, rarely do I consider myself a fashionista-of-sorts (although I have been told I dress nicely…). The only credit I have to my name fashion-wise right now is the fact that I have a pair of functioning eyes (when paired with glasses), and apparently, that is all one needs.

Before I go on to Alexi’s Closet, I would like to say that Jesse and I went shopping yesterday, only to scurry to Holt Renfrew for salvation. Upon walking into Levi’s, we were greeted by the horrors of white, really wide flare bell bottoms, and tacky belts. Bell bottoms. White bell bottoms. First, no AfterEllen posts, second, bell bottoms?! Ready your tinfoil hats.

Back to Alexi’s Closet (you may want to keep your tinfoil hat on for this), she was giving fashion advice for people going to Dinah. This I totally sanction, Dinah is a wonderful place, and once I age to perfection, or the legal drinking age in the States, I will be there, and I want to see hot, well dressed, women. But rhinestone-encrusted jean skirts? Short, black, jean shorts? Tacky tops with “built in accessories!”? No. You might as well pick up a pair of Levi’s white super flared bell bottoms, honey. Who does this woman think she is? Why does she have such a bad haircut? And how is it that she can tell women what to wear while I can just scoff? 

Lades, I am going to make my own lesbian fashion vlog. 

a) I have eyes which function properly in tandem with my glasses

b) I already have a YouTube channel and I don’t post videos often enough

c) I cannot sit idly by and have this woman conceivably ruin Dinah for me in the future

d) I want an AfterEllen vlog.

Lesbian “fashion”

AfterEllen posted a brief, but still thoroughly amusing, piece on lesbian fashion and haircuts. Thank you, Emily Hartl, for bringing about the fact that bandanas which are not used as headbands (at the appropriate headband width) are bringing down the movement. If Harriet the Spy didn’t even do it, then neither should you.

I would like to add a few things to this list, while we’re talking about stereotypical lesbian dress/appearance.

First, wolf-howling-at-the-moon t shirts. This one explains itself, all you really need is to be at a drum circle now, with a not-so-ironic mullet.

Second, if you are one of those lovely ladies who wear boxers (hi, I’m Lauren, would you like another drink?), I am down with that. I am so down with that that I don’t mind seeing a little boxer now and then. But beyond a little bit of boxer, or a little bit of manties, I do not need to see your whole ass (that’s why I’m buying you a drink, silly!). So, I propose appropriate belting, because I do enjoy the slightly baggy skinny jean or straight leg on a woman; with a nice belt, you could do wonders. People knock the belt, but that’s because there was that terrible phase where they gave you canvas, or hemp, or something, put an o-ring on one end and sent you off on your way. Don’t do it, please. Please. No terrible belt buckles either, because those are just unflattering unless they are very witty. If they are very witty, I allow you to wear them once every two weeks, or once a month, but not every time you go to the same venue. 

 

Do not attempt this, ever.

Do not attempt this, ever.

Finally, this is something which goes out to most everyone: poor dye jobs. If you are going to dye your hair, do it right. My short haired women, do not frost your tips, I know it’s tempting, but please don’t. If you are going to dye your short hair, do not attempt at-home highlights, you will look like a cheetah, and I will not buy you a drink (which clearly is the goal of every woman, and thus, a major deterrent). Women of all other hair lengths, don’t think you get off scott-free. No one, in my opinion, should be highlighting their hair at home, especially not alone. Highlights and lowlights, and god forbid, streaks, should, in my opinion, always be done by a professional. At least then you have someone to blame (unless of course you were talked into getting streaks, which is all your fault, honey). If you are going to dye your hair a bright colour, do it properly. Bleach first, dye next, and maintain, maintain, maintain. Pink hair is fine, if you keep it up. Pink-ish hair with black roots transitioning into orange-tinged bleach job? Not so sexy. So please, save up your pennies if you must, and go see a hair stylist who knows how to cut your hair. I, personally, learned this the hard way, when my hair became ridiculously curly, and my hairdresser had no idea how to cut hair, I was the whitest member of the Jackson 5, it was terrible. Find someone who can cut your hair type, knows the right cuts for face shape, and has an edge. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to be done well.

 

NO!

NO!

The “truth” hurts

I know, I’m crazy attached to my computer today, but news just keeps trickling down the lesbian news pole (…hey girl!). Trish Bendix (of AfterEllen fame) just blogged about Clementine Ford’s reaction to her “coming out” article in Diva. According to Ford, Diva misquoted her all over the place, took other interviews out of context, and they jumped to popular assumptions. 

Way to get a girl’s hopes up, Diva. 

On the other hand, Ford is not denying that she is gay (nor did she ever confirm it, apparently), and she remains commentless when it comes to the elusive sexuality of one Katherine Moennig

The whole article can be found here.

Regardless of whether or not she is gay, we love her for doing that Point Foundation PSA.

I’ve been holding out on you.

As a lesbian with a crazy born again Christian mother, I have a secret or two hidden away in the back pocket of my organic cotton skinny jeans. One of which is I’m deathly afraid of caterpillars, and as such, we will never go on a romantic date in which sitting under a weeping willow beside a babbling brook is involved (Shucks!). I also never tell people where I purchased my favourite plaid shirt…

It's my best kept secret... best of all no one suspects I'm gay when I wear it, how sweet is that?

It's my best kept secret... best of all no one suspects I'm gay when I wear it, how sweet is that?

Another one of my best kept secrets, only let out by saying a couple secret words (which scrambled up are “me sex please Lauren have with”, just try to crack that code, smart guy), is This Just Out with Liz Feldman. Now, I know I can’t keep Liz from the majority of the lesbian world (curse her having a show on AfterEllen.com), but for you straight chicks, and brothers of straight chicks who went-on-your-sister’s-computer-so-you-could-get-away-with-looking-at-porn-without-having-infinite-pop-ups-on-your-own-computer, Liz Feldman can be illusive. She is like the actually-gay, probably-not-Jewish (closer inspection of her Myspace would prove me wrong there, it seems my Jew-dar is also on the fritz), version of Sarah Silverman. Best of all, she’s hilarious. Raimy, co-star and music-chooser extraordinaire (I’m sure if she ever stumbles upon this blog, she’ll be happy to see I’ve given her the prestigious title of “music-chooser”, but seriously, she has taste) blows my mind every week, and I kind of compete with her, in that I hope to find all the bands that she is about to announce before she does. I am losing, but since she’s not aware of the competition, and thus, not keeping score, that doesn’t matter.

Anyways, I just finished watching this week’s episode, and without giving too much away, I think I’m going to get a Shane-two-seasons-ago haircut, and I urge you all to continue dressing like lumberjacks with unironic mullets until I get my gaydar back from Apple. Oh, and Uh Huh Her is on there, not that they’re a big deal or anything. Not that I’m in love with Leisha Hailey, or anything. I’ll just embed the video, actually, so give ‘er a look, and you could go to AfterEllen and watch the back episodes, but I’ll be posting new ones, with commentary, as they come out.

Ha, unintentional coming out joke. Okay, here’s Liz:

…Okay, I have no idea how to make the embeds from AfterEllen work. So here’s the link, Jeez, how embarrassing! I’ll try to get this fixed, I promise.